Q:

I am a bisexual woman married to a man. We have two toddlers. While we might have the outside appearance of being a heterosexual couple, most of our friends and social activities are LGBT.

My husband is straight but, he is also active in his LGBT group at his company — works on the parade float, performs in the parade, goes to parties, etc.

Our children are definitely being raised in queer culture. How do we explain this to them as they are growing up?

A:

I am sure you have noticed that so much of the conversation about LGBT parents is really about “same-sex parents.” Bisexual parents who are married to someone of the opposite sex are often overlooked for the very reason that their sexual orientation is not as obvious — they are mistaken for heterosexual couples.

Your kids are young enough that your family’s involvement in the LGBT community will be something they know and accept. You take pride in being a part of this community; they will probably enjoy it, too.

Still, they will need you to help them find the words to better understand their family. They need to hear in casual and frequent ways that you are bisexual or whatever word works best for you to describe yourself. If you don’t say anything, as they grow up, they will wonder but will be afraid to ask.

What matters to the kids is that your sexuality is not going to threaten your relationship with their dad. Most of the conversations they will overhear in the LGBT community about bisexual parents will involve someone coming out and then divorcing. They need to know that for you, part of being bisexual means that you love their dad very much and you are staying with him.

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Related Links:

bisexual.org: A resource site maintained by the Bisexual Foundation

Bisexual Resource Center

Q:

My 11-year-old son recently informed me that he steers away from telling the truth when someone asks him whether his Dad is gay or not. How should I best tell him how to handle this situation?

My partner is always with us for athletic and school functions, so many kids and their parents may already know I’m gay. My son insists he has no problem with me being gay — he’s known and has lived with me his whole life — but I am concerned about him hiding it from other people. If someone specifically asks him if his Dad is gay, do you feel it’s okay for him to hide the truth? Is he ashamed?

A:

He’s not ashamed of you, he is just protecting himself. There is a difference. He needs to assess situations and decide for himself if the benefits outweigh the risks. Even though you are living openly as a gay men, aren’t there times when you still choose not come out? To the bankteller? To the door-to-door sales person? To the waitress who assumes you and your partner are brothers? Not coming out in these situations has little to do with shame or pride, and much to do with what is practical or safe in any particular setting.

Showing up with your partner to school functions but not being certain that his friends’ parents are aware of the situation sends a mixed message to your son. He could be doubting if he can tell his peers since you have not specifically come out to their parents. If it is important that his friends’ parents know you are gay, set the example for your son by talking to parents on your own. After you have done that, tell your son who you told and give him a general sense of what their reactions were.

As for your son’s process of “coming out” about his family, respect that there are times when the risks just don’t seem worth it, and let him know that you are OK with that. On the occasions when he does come out about his family it needs to be because he wants to, not because he’s worried about being a bad son or betraying his father if he doesn’t. Much depends on his school environment, the state you live in, how supportive his extended family is, how volatile the politics are in your area.

He’s 11 years old. His coping and reasoning skills are different from the ones you have developed as an adult. Those differences can be easy for gay parents to forget, especially if, like many children of LGBT parents, your child often behaves as a precocious mini-adult. Let your son be a kid and set his own boundaries. That’s not about being ashamed of you.

Q:

I am a 19 year old college student. I love my mom but hate her at the same time. She has three kids, has been married twice and all of her relationships have been with men. All my life my mother and I have been really close. Three weeks ago, I caught her kissing a woman from her work and we got in a big fight. She said that it made her happy. I am so ashamed and we haven’t talked since.

I miss her. The other day we both broke down and cried. Now she says she is not a lesbian. Yet this other woman sleeps at my house. It hurts that she has done this to my family, but hurts worse that she is a liar. I have no one to talk to because I am too embarrassed. I want my life back.

What should I do? I moved out because I know I have to respect her decision, but I don’t have to accept it. Am I wrong? Help me, please.

A:

You saw your mom kissing a woman, this woman is sleeping at your house, but your mom tells you point blank she is not a lesbian. This does not necessarily mean she is a liar.

The break down of communication could be because of you and your mom having different ideas of what the label “lesbian” means. If this is her first experience with a woman, she might see her same-sex attraction exclusive to that particular person who happens to be a woman.

Maybe your mom’s concept of a lesbian is someone who has never been with a man, so she does not see herself as a lesbian. OR — as I have seen even with many mothers who have long-term same-sex partners — she learned a stereotype a long time ago about what lesbians are like: maybe very masculine, or very sexual, or very unhappy, or whatever she believes is true for all lesbians. She could be thinking “Sure, I am attracted to this woman, but I am not like those lesbians.” Do you see the distinction?

Or it could be she does indeed know she is a lesbian, but doesn’t want you to think she is. There are so many children whose parents have avoided saying they are gay, and it usually comes from the fear that their children will abandon them. They are so afraid of what it means to be gay and how their kids will react that they would rather lie to them than lose them.

Your mom said she was with a woman who makes her happy and you moved out. Your mom loves you and misses you. Since you left because you do not like “what she has done” by being with a woman, then logic would follow that your love for her is conditional upon her not being lesbian. She is telling you what she thinks you need to hear to keep you in her life.

Try the conversation again, but avoid the word lesbian. You can talk about it in context of her feelings for this other woman. What does this woman mean to her? Are they in a relationship? If not, why is she staying over? (Oftentimes mothers in this situation say it’s to save on rent!) Let your mom know that you love her no matter what, and you want to continue to have an open and honest relationship with her. Show her that your lifelong love for her will override your temporary feelings of shame and embarrassment.

Q:

I am a gay dad of two boys, ages 10 and 13. I came out to them a year ago when their mother and I separated. We are struggling to find the right way to discuss sexuality with our sons as they hit adolescence, given the fact that they have a gay dad.

Should we proceed differently than we otherwise might? I find resources about being a gay parent, and other resources about parenting teenage boys, but what about when the two are combined?

A:

All children need healthy, shamefree information about sexuality. The fact that you are gay does not alter that. The opportunity for you and their mother, however, is that you already know that sexuality is much more complex than the simplified sex ed which typically reduces sexuality to sexual behavior — and presumes anything outside of a heterosexual marriage is “bad.”

Using gender neutral language like “partner” will communicate to your boys that you don’t have a set idea about what gender(s) they should be involved with. Non-heterosexist language can start even earlier with phrases like, “if you get married” and “if you have kids someday,” rather than the standard, “when you get married and have children of your own…” It’s notions like that which have made gay people feel like their only option is to stay in the closet and get married.

Regardless of a child’s sexual orientation — or that of their parents’ — they will encounter situations where they will hopefully make smart decisions. Children need their parents to offer the information gently and firmly so that they are prepared when these situations occur. These choices include if, when, and how to be sexually involved.

The only thing that could be different for your children is that they might feel pressure from their peers or from themselves to “prove” that they are straight by having sex before they are really ready. Wanting to stop questions like “If your dad is gay, then are you gay, too?” some kids of gay parents want their peers to know that they have “gone all the way.”

Helping children build lifetime skills for healthy sexuality is more than making sure they know how to use a condom. They need to have the maturity and self-confidence to insist on safer sex, and to avoid or get out of situations where they feel pressured. It’s not too early to talk about sexual choices with pre-teen children. And when it’s too late, it’s too late. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy reports that two out of three teenagers have had heterosexual intercourse by age 18 — 25% did not use any form of birth control their first time.

Finally, as a father you could benefit from talking with other fathers who are dealing with similar issues. Check your community to see if there is a group of gay parents you could join, or look into online listserves.

Q:

I am 22 and four years ago I came out as lesbian to my parents. Let’s just say it didn’t go as planned. I had always been extremely close to my family, but when I told them I was gay, everything changed. I had to get a job to support myself and pay for college. It was a very tough time for me.

Seven months ago I met this really nice girl at work. We started going out as friends. She confessed she liked me as more than friends and by then I was having strong feeling for her as well. We started a relationship and it’s been so great, I just can’t explain it.

A few weeks ago my girlfriend went to visit her mom to tell her about me and our relationship. Her mom flipped and told her she needed to go to church because that was a sin in God’s eyes. Her mom’s comment has brought a lot of stress to our relationship. I know she loves me and wants to be with me but she’s so afraid of losing her family because of her sexual orientation. What can I do about this matter?

A:

There are two major issues your girlfriend is facing, and each profoundly shape a person’s coming out experience: God and family. An affirming God and an accepting family can help smooth the process; a damning God and a flipped-out family can make coming out much more difficult than it needs to be.

Her mother needs time. Your girlfriend’s process of coming out to herself and to you was gradual, so it’s not fair to expect her mother to accept the news immediately. It has only been a few weeks, and it will take more time before she is willing to reconsider certain beliefs that she has held for her entire life. I recommend the PFLAG publication, Faith in Our Families as a starting point. Also, links in the green section on the left side of this page provide additional information and support for people of specific faiths.

Of course, you can understand the situation your girlfriend is in. You have been there yourself, and as you said, it was tough for you. How you handle this situation depends on what you need from a relationship right now.

Can you hang in there for a while, despite the stress this is putting on your relationship? If you feel like it is too much for you right now, that’s okay. It’s not your job to compensate for her mother’s lack of acceptance.

If you want to stay with your girlfriend, however, you will need to support her as she struggles through this conflict with her mother. It will be easier on both of you if she also has a counselor who specializes in coming out. Make sure it is a gay-supportive counselor who does not want to “help” her “change.” Many counselors offer sliding-scale fees if she does not have health insurance.

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Related Links:

Soulfource: Activism to stop spiritual violence

Association of Welcoming & Affirming Baptists

Catholic: Dignity

Episcopalian: Integrity

Evangelicals Concerned

The World Congress of GLBT Jews

Lutherans Concerned

Methodist: Reconciling Ministries Network

Metropolitan Community Churches

Mormon: Affirmation

Presbyterian: More Light

Quaker: Friends for Lesbian and Gay Concerns

Seventh-Day Adventist: Kinship International

Unitarian Universalist: Interweave

United Church of Christ: Coalition for LGBT Concerns

Q:

I am a heterosexual mother of a five year old daughter and 11-year-old son. My lesbian sister is planning her “commitment ceremony” and wants my daughter to be the flower girl.

My 11 year old son knows his aunt is a lesbian, but has never really seemed to mind. We have never really discussed it, because it has not been an issue. Now that she is planning basically a “wedding,” it is an issue.

My son is somewhat repulsed by the thought of her getting married to another girl, and my daughter doesn’t understand it at all. She told me they better find two guys if they want to get married!

I’m worried the kids will feel different about their aunt and her partner after watching them get married. I am also worried they will be teased if their friends find out. So, my question is, should the kids attend the ceremony if they don’t want to? How do I tell my sister about my concerns without hurting her feelings?

A:

Should the children go to the ceremony? Yes. This will be a wonderful learning experience for both you and your children.

I can’t imagine a parent letting children wiggle out of attending an aunt’s wedding to a man. That’s the same standard to which supportive family members should hold themselves when acknowledging same-sex relationships.

You say you haven’t discussed “it” because “it” isn’t an issue. Obviously it is. “Family defining moments” — like commitment ceremonies — make this all the more apparent. Gay relatives who have always assumed that straight relatives were totally accepting suddenly realize that’s not completely true. Family defining moments are rarely simple, so it’s up to the grown ups to help the kids along, even when they don’t have all the answers.

Your kids are saying they don’t want to go, but listen to what they are really saying. At five, your daughter only knows a partnership to be between a man and a woman because she has not seen any other possibilities. At 11, your son thinks it’s “repulsive” because any reference to anything “gay” in his world is followed by a bunch of fifth grader boys saying, “Ewwww….” (A previous Q & A was about a gay father’s 11-year-old son who said being gay was “gross.”)

They both have very normal responses for children their ages who are being raised in a homophobic world. Until you give them permission to talk about this with you, and unless you model how supportive you are of your sister, they will continue to be uncomfortable with this. Currently, there is no indication in their lives to assure them that their aunt’s sexual orientation is acceptable.

Considering you put quotation marks around “commitment ceremony” and “wedding,” I wonder if you do indeed question the importance or validity of the event. Your children could easily be picking up on your lack of enthusiasm. You worry that your children will see their aunt and partner differently after the ceremony. They probably will, but I don’t see how that could be a bad thing. They will see them as a couple, like their other married aunts and uncles.

I know you want to protect them from being teased, but I don’t see how keeping them away from the ceremony will prevent that. Part of your conversations with them needs to include talking to them about how to handle potential teasing. If you don’t insist they go and find out how shockingly normal the event is, the only thing you are “protecting” your children from is the opportunity to open their minds and hearts.

Q:

I’m a college student and I came out to my parents three years ago. They already “knew,” but they didn’t start dealing with it until I actually said “I’m a big ol’ protesting, processing, vegetarian, co-habitating, granola-dyke lesbian.”

At first they didn’t take it well and went through various stages of grief and self blame, but they have started to come around and now they can even act like normal human beings when we go out to dinner with my girlfriend.

One of the reasons I wanted to come out to my parents is because I knew my younger sister, still in high school, is gay too. My sister and her girlfriend of three years are inseparable, so even though she hasn’t come out to my parents, they also “know” about her. I don’t think my parents will start working out their feelings on my younger sister until she actually comes out to them.

But wait, there’s more. I found out a few months ago that my other sister — the youngest — is bisexual. Having no idea that the youngest was bi, my other sister and I had shoved off our parents’ dream for a big white het wedding onto her.

I’m sure my parents must think something is going on. At the same time they’re probably trying their darndest not to see it. My parents are just now working out their problems with my sexuality! They are going to flip it when they find out all of their daughters are gay! How can I make this easier for my parents while still being a supportive older sister?

A:

How parents react when a second (or third or fourth) child comes out is not always predicable. It could be easier for the second child because the parents have already gone through it before, and they know that the world doesn’t end when a child comes out.

On the other hand, a second coming out can also be more difficult for parents to deal with. The parents wonder if it really is something they caused. One gay child is random, but two or more is a trend. They might face more raised eyebrows or ignorant assumptions from people who think the parents are somehow “making” their children gay.

No one in your family can be sure of what other people know or what they are thinking until you all talk about it. Are your sisters hesitant to come out to your parents? Or since it seems that your parents already “know” do your sisters figure they it would be stating the obvious.

Families with LGBT family members must have opportunities to talk about it, or the family will face bigger conflicts down the road — with everyone saying things like, “this hasn’t been an issue until now” or “there wasn’t ever a good time to bring it up.” (The next Q & A is facing this very dilemma.) You can be a supportive older sister by talking to them about coming out to your parents and listening to their concerns.

There has to be an official coming out from both of your sisters. Without that, your parents wait in limbo — unsure if their daughters even want them to know. They need permission to talk about it with each other and with other people who they turn to for support.

Encourage your parents to contact their local PFLAG chapter. They could even ask if there are members in similar situations that they can talk to.

As for your parents’ shattered dreams about a het wedding, they just gotta get over it, like many parents do. Children’s lives are not their parents’ lives. Parents’ dreams are not their children’s dreams.

Besides, having a heterosexual daughter does not guarantee a wedding ceremony in the future. Nor does having a gay daughter eliminate that possibility.

Q:

I am a transgendered man who left my ex-husband two years ago. I left him for other reasons and did not realize — at least, not consciously — that I was transgender until after I left him.

We have two daughters, 4 and 5, who live with him by my choice. I feel that they’re better placed with him than with me, and I visit them regularly. I have made a lot of positive progress in my life since coming out about my gender identity, and just about everybody in my life knows. But I haven’t been able to get up the nerve to come out to my ex.

Our divorce is almost final, and once it is, I plan to start physical transition. I don’t think I can hide the changes that will occur in me once I go on testosterone, and I don’t want to hide them. He has been pretty accepting of the fact that I’m bisexual, but he is pretty religious and I think the revelation that he was married to (and had children with) another man might push him over the edge.

My main concern is the children. I don’t want them to be put in the middle. Other transgender parents have told me that the younger the children are, the easier it is for them to accept a parent’s transition. Do you have any suggestions on how to make this less jarring for everyone involved?

Transman in California

A:

I agree that it’s best for children to learn about a transgender parent when they are young. Our society teaches gender and the sexism and transphobia that goes along with all of that. Tell your kids now, before they are rigid in their ideas of gender. What a gift you can give them: to show them that there is so much beyond the limitations of “boy” and “girl.”

As for their dad, I think the reason you need to tell him now is because so many other people know. Someone at some point is going to slip up. When he finds out accidentally, he could likely feel deceived, angry, or betrayed for not being told, in addition to dealing with the news itself. Avoid that time bomb and make sure he hears it directly from you.

Another way to make coming out as trans less jarring for your former husband is to back off from the concept that your ex was married to another man. You’re right: that could push him over the edge, because it is no longer just about you, but also about him. You would be implying to a religious (and presumably conservative) person that he was unknowingly in a same-sex relationship. However, your transgender identity does not need to be presented to him in that manner.

Unless he asks specifically, he will most likely prefer to categorize his marriage with you as one that was with a woman — a woman who has since become a man. The distinction to you may be huge, but letting him think of it that way is a minor compromise that could mean the difference between manageable shock and a total freak out.

Remember: Their father is key in helping you maintain good relationships with your kids. The faster he can process and eventually accept this information, the better he can support his children’s relationships with you.

Q:

I am a bisexual married man who came out to my wife after 20 years together. My motivation was simply to be honest, and I have been since. We have three young beautiful kids and we love each other very much. I am in the foreign service and we love to travel, live abroad, and have so much in common that we are totally comfortable with our lives.

Since I came out two years ago — an agonizing process — my wife has been accepting and considerate of my situation. She was was even tolerant of the fact that I had a lover (who has since left).

Now my wife has suddenly found a divorced, sensitive man she thinks she wants to have a relationship with. She is torn because in the time she has allowed herself to think of possibly trying an open marriage, she now thinks she loves both him and me, but is not sure of the potential consequences.

We are seeing a counselor, and I accept, in objective fairness, that she is entitled to her life’s wishes as I have been of mine. But emotionally, I am devastated. I wonder whether our marriage can sustain this situation — me with some man, she with another man, and yet us remaining married, loving one another and trying to maintain the family for ourselves and for the children. What would be your your advice to us?

A:

My advice to you: Keep going to counseling. Keep communicating. Never forget to use latex!

The security, comfort and fun in your marriage has made it worth staying together, but you have sought sexual connections elsewhere. Now your wife is seeking the same.

If you weren’t concerned about how your outside relationships would affect your children, why are you questioning it now? It seems to be an excuse to focus on the kids rather than look at your own feelings.

Right now you feel devastated, but your situation is a common challenge that many couples face when a spouse comes out. A husband comes out as gay or BI but wants to stay married. His wife is reeling from the news, turns inward to focus on the kids and adjusting to having new information. She consents to an open marriage, but has little interest in pursuing anything sexually right away. A year or so into it, she rediscovers her own sexuality which is reaffirmed in a new relationship, and it’s the husband’s turn to test his acceptance of a new situation.

Yes, your wife’s lover will complicate your marriage, but it does not mean your marriage can’t be maintained. She made a big adjustment when you came out and you are still together. It sounds like you are both committed to making it work and making sure that everything is handled honestly and respectfully.

While polyamory continues to be a heated issue — even within LGBT communities, and especially among LGBT parents — non-monogamy is common throughout the world and in all kinds of cultures.

An open marriage might not work for you. Individuals have varying degrees of acceptance and jealousy. Now it’s time for you to decide if you can feel satisfied with a marriage that is truly open for both spouses. (I’ve posted a few resources in the green section of this page, and hope that readers will suggest additions to the list.)

As for your children, start exploring resources that will help you know how, when, and if to talk to your children about it. Depending on their ages, they might already know anyway.

And it’s worth repeating: use latex. Parents owe it to their children to practice safer sex with all outside partners.

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Related Links:

Wives of Bisexual and Gay Husbands (WOBGH) is an online support group for straight women who are married, separated, divorced or dating Bi/Gay men.

Loving More is a national organization and resource for people who who wish to live outside traditional monogamy.

Polyamory Resources: Books, articles, and links compiled by QueerTheory.com

Q:

My partner and I have been together for 11 years and have a set of 19 month twins via surrogacy. My sister recently became “born again” and has accepted their teachings.

In two recent emails she told me that God did not create me this way, and that homosexuality is an example of Satan’s influence in the world. She states these things while expressing her love for me, saying that we are “amazing” people.

Needless to say, I’m devastated. I felt my sister to be one of my closest relatives. My partner and I have been wonderful to my sister and her husband. We helped them financially in starting their family and assisted them in purchasing their home. We also asked her to be my daughters’ godmother, not having a clue about how she felt about my partner and me. I feel betrayed, and am not sure I want a relative in my life who is going to cite passages from the Bible to try to prove that being gay is against God’s law.

My children are very young and have not formed an attachment to my sister. Should I continue to involve my sister in my children’s lives knowing what she believes about gay people?

A:

For LGBT people (and often their children), being told by friends and relatives that they “love-the-sinner-but-hate-the-sin,” offers no comfort. It still just feels like hate. And it hurts — especially when the message is delivered by someone who you thought you could count on.

The views your sister is expressing to you now may reflect some doubts she had all along. It’s just that before you became a father, there were fewer opportunities when she had to explore her views. When it was just you and your partner, she and the people around her could have avoided the topic, or let themselves “forget” that you and your partner are something more than “good friends.”

But babies “out” entire families. Your sister probably started bragging about her dear nieces to co-workers and neighbors, only to realize that “small talk” is hardly “small talk” when a family member is gay. Confronted by questions and judgmental comments that she never had to face before, she may have felt pressure to define her ambivalent views more clearly — and more rigidly.

Many anti-gay relatives truly think that “loving-the-sinner-but-hating-the-sin” is middle ground, and that they really will be able to maintain a quality relationship with their gay relative. The flaw in this perspective, however, is that the anti-gay relative has reduced sexuality to a behavior rather than a core part of a person’s identity. While your sister feels she is only disapproving of “what you do in bed” she really is judging you, since you are a man in a committed relationship with a man every minute of your life.

If the children were older, I would encourage you to make every effort before cutting your sister off from your kids. But tell her right now that although you love her, it’s not fair to you or your kids to maintain a close relationship with someone who questions the validity of their family.

Regardless of your children’s sexual orientation they take it personally when people judge their parents. Your kids are going to hear enough anti-gay rhetoric as they grow up. The last place they need to hear it is within their own family.