Q:

I am a lesbian, and I am wondering how to help my sister talk to her kids about my partner and me. My nieces, ages 5 and 9, used to come spend one weekend a month with me, but since my partner moved in, my sister won’t allow them to stay with us.

After going through a litany of excuses, my sister has admitted that she is not sure how to explain our relationship to the kids. The girls keep asking about when they can come over and it is getting very awkward. My partner and I are having a difficult time deflecting their questions.

My feeling is that kids deserve to know the truth and it is best to be honest with them so that they will grow up to be open-minded and tolerant. My sister has been pretty accepting of my being gay and always includes my partner in family activities, but since she has not yet felt comfortable enough telling her kids that I am gay, I wonder just how accepting she really is.

A:

I agree with you that your nieces deserve the truth. Having their routine visits to their aunt’s house abruptly discontinued — and with no explanation — is not fair to them at all. (Not to mention confusing and heart-wrenching for them and you!)

Before, you could just assume your sister was supportive, but now that a situation is forcing her to take a stand one way or the other, you begin to question that assumption. I call this phenomenon a “family-defining moment,” a pivotal event when validity of LGBT families is affirmed or rejected. It can be a painful discovery, but please don’t give up yet. (For more on tensions among extended family members, see Chapter Five of Families Like Mine.)

Explain to your sister that it hurts you deeply to not be involved in your nieces’ lives like you once were. Try out a few practice coming-out conversations with your sister to figure out what information she imagines you would tell her kids. Her concern might be about talking about lesbian sex, which for young children is not necessary. You certainly can explain that you are in a loving partnership without talking about the mechanics of sexual behavior.

What if you and your sister planned to talk to them together? That way everyone — you, your sister, and the girls — all have the same information. Your sister would be reassured that your explanation is not inappropriately sexual, and you could make sure your sister’s explanation is not homophobic.

Q:

My mother just told me that she is a lesbian and that she has a girlfriend. It’s a lot of stress just finding out, but what’s more difficult is that everybody at school has always asked me if my mom is a lesbian. Whenever people asked, I would defend her and say she was not.

Now that she has told me she really is a lesbian, I don’t know what to do. Should I tell people the truth when they ask, or should I go on protecting my mom?

– 14-year-old daughter in Southern California

A:

I know how it feels in the pit of your stomach when someone comes up to your face and asks about your mom. People did that to me, and no matter how often it happened, I did not know what to say. I usually ended up lying (because I was scared of harrassment) and then feeling really bad about not telling the truth.

If I could re-live those moments, I would go to my dad and say, “People at school are asking me if you are gay. What am I supposed to say?” I just assumed that my dad didn’t want anyone to know. But really, I was just making a big problem for myself because I worried too much about it. It would have been really, really hard to talk to my dad about it, but I wish I would have. I thought I was protecting my dad, but I never tried to find out if he wanted or needed to be “protected” in that way.

Your mom just came out to you. That means from now on, you will also be “coming out” nearly every day — as the daughter of a lesbian mother. Sometimes you and your mom will disagree about how “out” you want to be as a family. When that happens, it’s important you both talk about why you want to come out or not, so that each of you can understand the other person’s concerns.

Finally, be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to have all the answers. Adults certainly don’t, so I don’t think teens should have to either!

Q:

I am a 39 year old woman. My parents have been married for 45 years but I recently come across some evidence that makes me strongly believe that my 75-year-old father has been leading a secret lifestyle of bisexuality.

My father does not know what I have discovered, and I do not want my mother to ever find out. I have only talked to my husband about this, but I have three siblings and am dealing with the decision of whether or not I should tell them. Do I live with this secret forever?

A:

Based on the many emails I receive from sons and daughters who accidentally find out about their fathers’ sexuality, it’s safe to assume that what you discovered were photographs, letters, pornography or a combination of those things.

I won’t try to excuse your father’s secret, but I do think it’s important to keep in mind that he married your mother in the late 1950s. When he made that choice to not live openly as a gay or bisexual man, there were no visible examples of same-sex relationships, let alone happy and healthy ones.

It sounds like you want to protect you mother from the truth, but you might be surprised by what your mother already knows. Many wives know for years — some even know it before they get married. Besides, even if he hasn’t told her, considering that you came across this evidence, chances are good that at some point in their 45 years together, your mother has, too.

Before you do anything, figure out what the worst part of this is for you. Is it finding out that your dad is attracted to men? Or is it finding out that he has been hiding a big secret from his family all these years?

If the fact that it is a secret hurts more than the potential details of the actual secret, wait for the initial shock to wear off and ask him about it yourself. It doesn’t sound like you are going to able to “live with this secret forever” without it eroding your relationship with your father. At least give him the opportunity to respond to your questions while he’s alive.

That conversation will not be an easy one, and you will need support from your husband and possibly a therapist before and after. But after you find out the truth from your father, you and your father will have a clearer idea about what to tell your siblings and mother.

Q:

I am a 24-year-old heterosexual woman. Last year I placed my son for adoption with a fantastic lesbian couple who have been together for 20 years. While the decision was very difficult, I know I made the right choice for everyone.

We agreed to an open adoption. Now my biggest problem is that my own parents don’t know any of this. I stopped talking to them right before I got pregnant, and was afraid to reconnect with them before I gave birth. My biggest fear was that they would stop the adoption process by telling the judge that it would be better for my son to live with them instead of his new mommies just because they are lesbians.

I feel like I know what it is like to be closeted. I have a big secret that I think will make my parents disown me so I haven’t contacted them. I certainly know that they would not have approved of an adoption in the first place, much less with a lesbian family. I don’t think I could lie about it. But I also don’t think that I could jeopardize my son’s new family that I love and helped create.

Now that the adoption is finalized, do I continue to stay silent?

A:

The most important thing to remember is that the adoption is now final. Your main reason for your silence — to prevent your parents from stopping the adoption process — is no longer a threat.

Family secrets never go away on their own. When they are not confronted, they get discovered at the worst times and in the messiest ways. Even secrets that are not officially recognized have toxic effects on families. In this case, this secret has cost you all communication with your parents. Considering that your relationship with them is currently non-existent, you have nothing to lose by telling them what you’ve been up to for the past couple years and seeing how they react.

Your parents will need to adjust to the fact that you had a child and that you chose to give him to another family. I think it’s fair for you to tell them that you felt so strongly about finding a loving home for your son that you did not want anything — including your own family — to intervene. Be prepared for any number of reactions — they might feel hurt, saddened, angry, insulted. Don’t get defensive; you did what you felt you needed to do for your son.

After more than a year of silence, they are sure to know that there’s something major going on. It could be a relief for them to understand why. As for the details of the adoptive family, this might be something you want to delay for a while. All that your parents need to know is that you know your son was placed in a loving home and for the time being, you’d like to keep the details to yourself.

This isn’t something that you can put off forever considering that this is an open arrangement and you will be receiving photographs and phone calls from your son’s family. In the meantime, find out if the relationship with your parents is worth rebuilding at all.

Q:

We are gay fathers of twins through surrogacy. Our son and daughter are now three and a half years old. We have almost no contact with the surrogate — something we established by mutual choice before the pregnancy.

With Mother’s Day approaching, we are wondering how to prepare their nursery school teachers to deal with the situation. The kids are old enough to feel excluded if we do not take precautions. In fact, while we think they fully understand the concept of gender and family roles, and know that they have two dads, they often refer to me (the stay-home parent) as “Mommy”. This only started a few months ago, and we are certain they picked it up at nursery school.

My gut feeling is to let them make a Mother’s Day card for me (their primary care giver), and then make a Father’s day card to my partner next month. The school is open to any suggestion at this point, and may accompany this with the proper explanation, like “some kids have one of their dads take care of them like a mother.”

They have no special female figure to which it would make sense to make a card, and besides we will feel “cheated” if someone else is elevated to this culturally cherished role. How should we deal with Mother’s day in a family that contains no mother?

A:

This is a vivid example of how kids in LGBT families become aware of being different much earlier than their parents anticipate. Most important to remember: These children are not even four years old. What matters to them and why is very different from what matters to you. This is the beginning of many challenges along your parenting path where your children’s needs will not match with your personal vision of how your family would be.

Your kids are quickly learning from traditional culture that mothers are celebrated and that mothers are the people who love children and take care of them. When they call you “mommy” it is not a commentary on gender identity politics. They are trying to validate their family within the rigid cultural expectations that they are already aware of.

I support your idea to honor one dad on Father’s Day and one dad on Mother’s Day. Your proposed explanation, however, raises some concern. You need not explain that you will be the celebrated parent on Mother’s Day because you are the Dad who is “like a mother.” The opportunity here is to do away with gender stereotypes, not reinforce them.

For kids in nursery school, the teachers’ explanation to the class should be as casual and as simple as this: “Some kids have a mom and a dad, but there are all kinds of families. Since [the two children] have two dads, they make Mother’s Day a special day for one of their dads. That way both dads don’t have to share Father’s Day!”

Lastly, you said that if your children had women in their lives who they could honor as mother-figures that you would feel “cheated.” I encourage you to seriously look at what you mean by that. Regardless of your feelings about women in the children’s lives, they could very well want or need strong connections to women at any or all developmental stages. As a supportive parent, it’s your job to see that this need — a need you cannot directly meet — is met in another way. Don’t let yourself feel so threatened by the thought of your children having positive female role models that you forgo securing them at the expense of your children’s needs.

Q:

I am a gay father of a 16-year-old daughter who is very angry with me. It has taken me almost 18 years to come to terms with the fact that I am not going to be able to change my sexual orientation.

My 25-year marriage has been was wonderful. Not only are my children here because my wife and I wanted them, but also because we were very much in love — and we did enjoy sex together! But long before I was married, I knew I was attracted to men; I just happened to grow up in a climate where homosexual feelings, let alone actions, were considered wrong. There were no positive role models for what it might mean to be a gay man in a happy, committed relationship.

Unfortunately, on-and-off throughout the years, my path of discovery took me outside my marriage into a number of casual sexual encounters of which I am not proud. My wife has known of my struggles, which surfaced a few years after we were married. She has been patient and hopeful that I would be able to change, or at least control, my homosexual longings.

Now, after 25 years we have both concluded we must divorce. As sad as I feel, and as angered and hurt as she feels, neither of us feel that clinging to our marriage is going to solve anything; we don’t wish to exercise false hope in the possibility of change.

Presently my daughter can’t stand me since she found out I was unfaithful to her mother. We were once very close, but now she goes out of her way to ignore or belittle me, calling me “faggot” and “prostitute.” She professes not to have any feelings of dislike for homosexuals in general, but I’m convinced neither she (nor my wife) understand how I couldn’t just “turn off” my homosexuality to live as a heterosexual.

Please could you write something for my daughter to help her understand why her 52 year old father can’t “shake off” being gay?

A:

This response is not for your daughter, but for you. “Helping her understand” is not what is most important here. Even if your daughter understood your sexual orientation the way you wish she did, you can’t undo your infidelity.

Nowhere in your question do you mention that you apologized. Have you?

If you want your daughter to let go of her anger and forgive you for your infidelity, you must apologize for hurting her mother and for hurting your entire family. The apology must stand alone, without qualifiers such as “but I tried” or “but you have to understand…” Don’t blame societal pressure or sexual hardwiring for your infidelity. You made choices, and if you want your daughter to forgive you, she needs to hear that even though you regret some of the decisions you have made, you take full ownership of those choices.

Why is it so hard for gay men leaving marriages to apologize? Because they confuse the issues. Newly out men often think apologizing for exploring their same-sex attractions — which is infidelity — means having to apologize for being gay. They tell me: “I refuse to apologize for who I am.”

You don’t have to apologize for who you are, only for what you did.

Next, the issue of accepting a father as gay is a related, but additional issue. There is no set schedule for when your daughter should come around. If it took you 18 years to accept that you are gay, certainly you can understand that it will take a while — perhaps years — for her to accept it. Our attitudes about sexuality are greatly influenced by our parents so it’s not surprising that she has internalized some of your shame about homosexuality, treating it as a condition that needs to be suppressed.

Finally, don’t let your guilty feelings impede your ability to be an effective parent. Your daughter has a right to her own feelings, but she does not have the right to call you names. Her name-calling needs to stop immediately. Not only is it disrespectful to you, you are doing her a disservice by allowing her to believe this is an acceptable way to treat another human being.

Q:

I am a 27-year-old feminine lesbian. I have recently become serious about starting a meaningful relationship with a woman who is just as feminine as I am. We’ve known each other for a few years, and have recently been idealizing about having children — after we are married, of course.

Here’s the issue/question: My partner seems to be uncertain about how our child(ren) should address us. She’s questioning whether they should refer to us both as mommy or not. We’ll both assume equal parental roles/responsibilities, but she’s concerned about the children becoming “confused” by the concept of having two mommies. Do you have any suggestions?

– Stumped in Maryland

A:

There are many issues going on in this question, but I’m going to focus on two of them. First, the logistics of kinship terms for two mothers, and second, the possibility that your partner has greater hesitations that go beyond what name the children will call her.

Questions about what children will call their parents of the same gender are common for prospective parents — regardless of how “feminine” or “masculine” either person identifies. Seasoned parents will tell you that one day you will long for the days when this was your biggest worry.

If it is about the actual kinship terms, the reality is that the children are the ones who ultimately decide what they are going to call their parents. No matter how thoughtfully you make this decision in the pre-children phase, you can’t stop your children from naming you in whatever way works best for them. Plan on staying flexible, and try not to be disappointed if the sweet name you want them to call you won’t stick. It doesn’t matter what name your children spontaneously yell out in the middle of the night — regardless of the words they use when they need you, it will melt your heart.

On to the bigger issue: I wonder if your partner’s concern about the kids being “confused” about kinship terms is a smoke screen to avoid talking about other concerns she might have about becoming parents. It wouldn’t hurt to see a couples therapist to help you communicate with each other about your dreams and fears about being parents. Another option for exploring parenthood are prospective parent workshops for lesbian/bi/queer women, often called “Maybe Baby.” Contact your nearest community center, women’s resource center or feminist bookstore to find out if such workshops are offered where you live. The soul-searching therapy and workshops allow couples to thoroughly explore the option of parenthood while keeping all the logistics in perspective. Some couples even change their mind about having kids altogether. “Idealizing about having children” with the woman you love is one thing. Actually having them — and raising them — is quite another.

Q:

I am a 39 year old single “straight” mother with a 12-year-old daughter. I have always had a lot of boyfriends and am a typical attractive feminine professional woman. For the past year and a half I have been in a relationship with an “openly” gay woman who is very attractive, feminine, and professional.

I do not consider myself “gay” or “bisexual” so I’m not quite sure how to explain my relationship with this woman to my daughter. I had never considered a serious relationship with a woman before, although I have “been” with a few in my past (with a lot of alcohol involved).

My girlfriend and I met through a business transaction and we fell in love immediately. Our relationship is great and getting better. We would like to move it to the next level. We are ready to share a home and start a life together but we are concerned about telling my daughter.

My daughter likes my girlfriend and enjoys it when she comes over and “hangs out” with us, has dinner, watches movies — we call it a “slumber party.” My girlfriend sleeps with me in the same bed when she’s here and my daughter thinks that’s okay because we’re “best friends.” We can’t just be “best friends” anymore.

Before we move in together, should I tell my daughter that my girlfriend is gay? How and when do I start the process of telling her? How do I help her get through it without ruining her life?

A:

Have you ever seen a woman wearing a t-shirt that says, I’m not gay, but my girlfriend is? It’s meant to be funny.

Ask yourself why you still consider yourself straight and what it would mean to stop identifying as such. You express your fear and shame about coming out as lesbian/bi/queer by getting intimate with previous women only when you’re drunk, by presenting your good looks and femininity as evidence that you are a “typical” straight woman, and by suggesting that having a lesbian mother could “ruin” a child’s life.

Your daughter should absolutely know before you move in together. Having a mother who is lesbian will not “ruin” her life. Regardless of your resistance to labels, you need to suspend your identity politics when you come out to your daughter. You could say something like, “Since I’m in love with Jane, and Jane and I are both women, most people would say we are lesbian, or that we are in a gay relationship. If people ask if I’m lesbian, it’s OK if you say I am.” Even if you don’t refer to yourself gay/lesbian/bisexual, you owe it to your daughter to compromise a bit with labels so that she can talk about it in ways that other people understand.

I’m not one to force labels on anyone, but I don’t see any way that a woman who wants to “start a life together” with another woman is “straight.” It sounds like shame-based denial, and your shame will be projected onto your daughter. It will be difficult for her to feel proud about her family if the best way she can explain it is: “My mom’s not gay, but her girlfriend is.”

Q:

I am a father of a 22-year-old son. I am not gay, but I have just found out that my son is. I am having a difficult time dealing with this. I cannot discuss it with my son or my wife. I am thinking very seriously about leaving my family to be alone. What would you suggest?

A:

Slow down. Don’t make any major decisions until you’ve had some more time to let the information sink in.

What do you mean when you say you “cannot” talk to your son or wife about this? Do you mean it is too difficult to discuss with them, or that they refuse to discuss it with you? Either way, you need to talk about it. If not with them, then with a gay-friendly therapist (but not necessarily gay) or with one of the many, many parents who were just as stunned as you when they discovered a child of theirs was gay.

These parents meet around the country through PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays. The groups are confidential. If you are not comfortable going to a meeting, you can still connect with a volunteer who knows what you are going through. Send an email or call the helpline listed for the chapter nearest you. To find a PFLAG group in your area, go to the “Find a Chapter” page at PFLAG’s national website.

While the situation might feel overwhelming right now, running away is not the answer. Few parents are immediately 100% accepting of the reality that a child is gay. You need time to get used to a reality that is different from what they envisioned for their children. Talking with other parents through PFLAG will reassure you that being gay will not prevent your son from become a happy and successful adult.

Q:

I am a 17-year-old daughter of a lesbian couple. There is me, my biological mom, my other mom and her two kids from a previous marriage. My parents had been together about 8 years before I was born.

I don’t know my father, his name, heritage, or anything. I can only remember one time the topic of my father really came up in conversation. I was eight years old and I denied any interest in knowing about him. I was worried that my parents would think that I am ungrateful for all that they have done for me or that they would get the misconception that I thought they screwed me up.

So my father has never been discussed. As a kid, I figured I was a “test tube baby” (as if I understood what it meant), but now I have no clue. This induces a swell of paranoia about why is this such a big secret. For a while I was even considering the possibility that my Mom may have been raped.

I thought about asking my older siblings who were teenagers when I was born, or asking one of my aunts, but I don’t want to drag them into this. Besides, I am not sure if they could or would give me the information I seek. Maybe my family thinks — as I do — that the silence has been around so long that it is just easier to avoid talking about it. I don’t even like to watch movies with my parents about children reconnecting with their fathers because I know the chance of the topic coming up is extremely high.

I don’t want to have a long weepy conversation. I don’t want or need a relationship with my father, I just want a medical history and heritage to go with my features — things any person who does not have contact with a parent would want to know. My paternity is not essential to me living, however it is naturally an ever-pressing issue in my life — especially since I will soon be 18 and some of my friends are making me promise I find out.

A:

I think your hunch is right on — there is no “secret” here, just a habit of silence. They assumed you would ask if you wanted to know, but if they brought it up first they worried they would make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. They forget to look at it from your perspective to consider how difficult it would be for you to break the silence, or how you’d worry about your questions hurting their feelings.

If your parents knew you were struggling with this issue — especially wondering if your mother was raped — I doubt they would want this silence to continue. But they have no way to know what you are thinking right now, so if you want the facts, you need to ask.

Asking for details about a donor (or other unknown biological parents) can be awkward and sometimes scary, not just because of being unsure of wanting the information, but also because of not knowing how your mothers will react to the fact that you are even asking questions about it.

Take a deep breath, tell them you love them very much and that will never change. Then say something like, “As I’ve grown, I have become curious about how I was conceived. What can you tell me about that?”

Chances are pretty good that you were very planned. You have every right to know whatever details they have. Your mothers might have medical records and other information about your donor — they might even know him personally. You might have access to additional information that can be released only after you turn 18. If they chose an anonymous donor, however, they might only know a few facts, like height and eye color. Be prepared for the possibility that even if they tell you everything they know, you might still have some unanswered questions.