This blog post is written in honor of “Blogging for LGBT Families Day” as a reminder that being outspoken always carries a risk — even when you think you are over all the hurdles of coming out. Even when you think you are as out as you can be. Even when you are certain it is a non-issue.

This Spring, I left my job for the freedom to blog for LGBT Families.

Many of you know I was job hunting last summer, and was thrilled to be hired by an organization that I believed had full awareness of my queerspawn convictions. Three months after my start date, however, higher-ups informed me that my blog had been “discovered.” (I have never thought of my blog as “hidden.” As I filled out paperwork a week before I started, my supervisor told me with a smile that the department had conducted online research on me. Considering that the job offer had not been rescinded, I believe it was a reasonable assumption that my very visible online content was not objectionable to my employer.)

I was not receptive to the recurring suggestions of what I might want to do in order to make my online content inaccessible to the public. This tension resulted in a shift in my workplace climate that was at once unbelievable and heartbreaking. I was not fired; there was nothing in my work performance to justify that. But I knew it was a matter of time before the stress would adversely affect my work performance, so I chose to resign before it got to that point.

Here’s my resignation letter:

Dear [supervisor]:

I am resigning from my position as Gift Officer at the College of St. Catherine, effective on or before April 18, 2008.* I am unable to make sense of the contradictory messages I am experiencing at an institution that publicly boasts supporting social justice for marginalized communities, when at the same time, you are asking me to suppress my open support regarding an issue of social justice.

I entered employment at the College after reviewing every word of the employee handbook. I conducted my due diligence to make sure my identity of being a member of a gay family and my writing about that experience would be a “non-issue.” I believed it was, but everything changed soon after Archbishop Nienstedt wrote Catholic Spirit criticizing people who are supportive of same-gender partnerships. [Nienstedt column in Catholic Spirit, part one] [Nienstedt column in Catholic Spirit, part two] I had believed that you hired me because of my work history, not despite it. But suddenly you were referencing Nienstedt’s column and informing me that by maintaining my blog I was “promoting homosexual behavior” which was “offensive to the Catholic Church” and therefore a conflict of interest with my work for the College. Just two months previously, with your permission I was speaking to students in a sociology class at St. Kate’s because my book, Families Like Mine, was a required text on their syllabus.

I appreciated the very thorough and thoughtful evaluation you gave me for my 6-month performance review earlier this week. It is reassuring to know you have confidence in my work as a fundraising professional for the College. I was delighted when I successfully secured a million dollar commitment within two months of being hired, and I had looked forward to many years with the College to help raise millions more.

My follow-up questions to you during my review, however, revealed to me that my blog is still perceived as a very real threat to the future stability of the College. I have heard from you that this situation is causing great distress not just to you and [the Vice President], but also to the Senior Vice President as well as the President. [The Vice President] also informed me that Human Resources supported her decision to discuss this issue with me.

I started my position inspired by the College’s message of social justice, which the campus regularly declares, reaffirms, and celebrates. Justice, by its very definition, is for everyone. That commitment should not falter because of increased fear, or because of added scrutiny, or because the marginalized group includes gays and lesbians. I submit this resignation to honor my family, to honor my community, and to honor my lifetime commitment to publicly supporting justice for all.

Sincerely,
Abigail Garner

* I submitted this letter on April 4, but I was told to leave by the end of that very day. My departure left some colleagues and donors mystified by my sudden disappearance, as it is not in my nature to cut and run without saying goodbye.

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This letter is shared in honor of “Blogging for LGBT Families Day.” Visit the official page at Mombian.com to learn about all the bloggers who are speaking out today.

To leave a comment, scroll down to the most recent comment at the bottom of all of the comments, or click here to get there directly.

In 2009, the College changed its name to St. Catherine University. St. Catherine University. St. Catherine University. Saint Catherine University. Saint Catherine University.

Last year I contributed to the anthology, Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys. (See previous post with excerpt.) Above is the cover for the paperback edition, coming out later this month.

I recently found out that Tom Cardamone wrote a review published in the March 2008 issue of Open Letters Monthly. (Okay, the review is three months old but I just found out about it, so it’s new to me.)

Here’s what Cardamone said about my piece, “Like Father, Like Daughter”:

The closing section, “Fathers and Daughters, Mothers and Sons” showcases a great batch of writing. Abigail Garner, author of “Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is,” writes as a daughter with two gay dads. She looks at the world with queer eyes and sees for miles – or at least past the constant prejudices her family faces and towards a pair of hot joggers.

“Sees for miles.” That’s among the highest compliments I’ve received about my writing. And that it’s from a gay writer…well, that makes my heart sing.

In 2006, Mombian had a great idea. Just about every cause or community has their own special day to blog, why not LGBT families?

June 2, 2008 is the third annual Blogging for LGBT Families Day. It’s easy to participate.

All LGBT family members and our allies are encouraged to write a post on or around June 2 to increase our visibility and raise awareness about our families.

Read details about the event at Mombian.com, the creator and host for the day.

Here’s the list of participants’ entries in 2007.

And here’s my post from last year: We’re Here, We’re Queerspawn. Where do we belong?

And my post from 2006: What it’s like to be queerspawn.

My post for 2008 will be about my renewed commitment to blogging for LGBT families. Come back on Monday to check it out.

Meema Spadola’s documentary, OUR HOUSE: A VERY REAL DOCUMENTARY ABOUT KIDS OF GAY & LESBIAN PARENTS has thankfully been re-released on DVD. Meema, the grown daughter of a lesbian mom and straight dad has also produced documentaries for HBO, Cinemax, Sundance Channel and NPR. Past work includes the PBS documentary , which profiles the sons and daughters in five diverse families (some of whom are included in Families Like Mine). OUR HOUSE received Best Documentary jury awards at both the Los Angeles and New York Lesbian & Gay Film Festivals and is now available on DVD from First Run Features. Added features include interviews with Ry and with Danna and Ember.

Even the youngest kids in the film are now adults. Their voices are still important ones to listen to.

A couple in Minneapolis explained their reasons for getting married in Canada in an op-ed published in the StarTribune. Nicholas Hengen and Emily Teplin write:

Our biggest concern was the blatantly discriminatory nature of marriage laws in Minnesota. We would never eat in a restaurant that refused to serve people of a particular race or religion; how could we participate in a civic institution that excludes our gay friends and family members?

…

By marrying in Canada, we protest our state’s discriminatory laws. Those laws should recognize same-sex unions, if not other kinds of familial relationships.

Read the entire commentary:
“Why a straight Minnesota couple will be wed in Canada”
by Nicholas Hengen and Emily Teplin
StarTribune, Mary 23, 2008

Meanwhile, Justin C. Adams wrote a blog post, “Hey StarTribune, what gives?” He writes that he and his wife did the same thing in 2005: They headed up to Canada to get married and they submitted an op-ed about their act of resistance to the StarTribune.

Justin wonders why his editorial with the same message was not published and this recent one was. I’ve been involved in publishing/writing enough to know you can’t worry too much about a decision making process that is totally out of your control. Your writing is only as good as the editor’s mood at any given moment. What’s more, considering the changes going on at the Strib these days, it’s highly doubtful that the folks who rejected Justin’s commentary are the same ones who accepted this one.

In any event, here’s an excerpt from the post at mn blue:

I refuse to support a civil unions law that discriminates between individuals on the basis of their gender. Many people frame the question as one of discrimination based on sexual orientation. I disagree. The only difference between two men applying for a marriage license an a man and a woman applying for the same license is the gender of one of the applicants.

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Hat tip: Eleventh Avenue South

Related resource: Marriage Boycott

Gracias a Julieta por hacer los subtítulos para una entrevista que hice el año pasado con HRC sobre mi libro, “Familias Como la Mía: Hijos de Padres Gay La Cuentan Como Es.”

Disafortunadamente, no hay ninguna traducción al español del libro. Si hay alguien quien tenga interes en traducirlo para hispanohablantes o quien trabaje en la publicacion de obras a quien le interesaria, por favor escribeme. Me alegreria introducirle a mi agent.

También: Una revista pasada del libro en español.

I’m looking for suggestions from families who have transitioned to two or more households. I would also like to hear from the the professionals who work with them.

I’m working on some research about mediation technology as a tool for families to communicate when there is a seperation, divorce, or re-marriage. (Our Family Wizard is one example, but I know there are others.) If you have feedback to share with me about these online services leave a comment or send me an email.

As time passes, do you find your family refers to the family site more or less often?

What advantages and disadvatages do you preceive using an online tool rather than communicating directly?

How LGBT-friendly is the service your family uses? Is that important to you?

Congratulations to Monica Canfield-Lenfest who is celebrating the release of her new resource guide for people with transparents. This guide is a culmination of her personal experience of having a transparent and her recent years of advocacy and community building, topped off with several months as a fellow at the COLAGE headquarters.

A statement from the press release reflects the common experience of queerspawn being expected to “make do” with the resources that are directed toward our parents:

“When my father explained that (s)he was becoming a woman, (s)he handed me a pamphlet about transgender issues,” says Monica Canfield-Lenfest, COLAGE Kids of Trans Fellow. “I really wanted a pamphlet for me. Ten years later, that resource finally exists.”

That resource exists because Monica made it happen.

Read the full press release here.

Send Monica some love here.

Yesterday Minnesota Public Radio’s MidMorning dedicated an hour to Father Michael O’Connell, rector at St. Mary’s Basilica who is leaving to work in a parish in North Minneapolis.

Father O’Connell’s careful response to Kerri Miller’s questions about LGBT issues in the Catholic Church was an awkward navigation through a public relations land mine. Miller did not let him off the hook too easily.

She asked him, “Father, if people in your position, who believe whatever it is that they believe, don’t speak out about this, and challenge the Church doctrine, then who will?”

It wasn’t rhetorical, but she didn’t get an answer. Despite her journalistic drive to find an answer, there is a different boundary when it comes to interviewing a man of the cloth, and Miller changed the subject after several rounds of non-answers.

Here is the transcript of the LGBT segment of their conversation. The full hour can be downloaded here. (This transcript is made possible by the keyboard talents of yours truly, so if this post is useful in your blogging, don’t forget to give my blog a nod. Thanks.)

Kerri Miller: Online [question] from Alison in New Brighton. What’s the future for GLBT people in this diocese and outreach programs like those at the Basilica?

Father O’Connell: Well, I think that the drift right now of our Catholic Church is more towards the conservative side of things, and ah, because of that, ah, ah, I suspect that there ah, there will be, um, unfortunately and sadly less and less sympathy to the GLBT community. And, ah, I just hope that people in that community will continue to find a home in some places in the Catholic Church and realize that the Church ought to be as big as God is. My wonderful about-to-be successor, Father John Bauer, the new rector of the Basilica, he says, “Big God, Big Church.” And ah, the Church ought — the Church’s embrace oughtn’t be any less than God’s.

Miller: So he agrees with you on the gay and lesbian issue –

Father O’Connell: He agrees –

Miller: — which disagrees with the Pope and the hierarchy –

Father O’Connell: No, I wouldn’t put it that way. What he and I agree with is that we should not be restrictive in terms of who’s welcomed into our Church. And they ought to come in with what pain they have and feel free to express it and at some levels be able to enter into dialog with the Church and be, ah, supported by it.

Kerri Miller: You know that the California Supreme Court, ah, decided last week — or struck down a ban, I guess I should say– on gay marriage. Um, do you think they made the right decision?

Father O’Connell: Well, to be honest with you I’ve only heard about that peripherally so I haven’t had a lot of time to think about it. And ah, I don’t –

Miller: But the issue has been out there for a while.

Father O’Connell: The issue has been out there and, ah, I just don’t think it’s helpful for me right now to personally and specifically comment on that.

Miller: Why, Father? Well then let me ask you the larger question. Do you think gay and lesbian people should be permitted to marry?

Father O’Connell: I think, ah, gay and lesbian people have every bit as much a right to their human dignity as anybody else. And I think our society is gonna continue to struggle both outside the church and within it to acknowledge and recognize that dignity.

Miller: But I don’t hear you using the word marriage. Why not?

Father O’Connell: Well, marriage, sacramental marriage as we would define it in the Catholic Church, ah, in terms of the law of the Church is very explicit in ah, it being between a man and a woman so –

Miller: Do you disagree with that?

Father O’Connell: I can’t sit here and take that law on publicly.

Miller: Why not?

Father O’Connell: Because it is the law of the Church and ah –

Miller: What you’re saying right now is revealing. You’re saying that the church, what, would not want you to be publicly disagreeing with, with Church law? Church doctrine? Why?

Father O’Connell: I think that as an official representative of the church, ah, which I am,which I have been, which I will continue to be, ah, ah, it’s not appropriate for me as I — in terms of a decision that I have made, to be in public debate with the Church about that particular question that you are posing.

Miller: Father, if people in your position, who believe whatever it is that they believe, don’t speak out about this, and challenge the Church doctrine, then who will?

Father O’Connell: Well, I do believe there has been and there will continue to be, ah, a very heartfelt and prayerful critical conversation about all of this in the Church. And so, I support that. Ah, I think if I believed that there was no opportunity for us to exercise the brain that God gave us, ah, and the heart that God gave us, and the critical conversation about how do we respect the dignity of all people in the church then I really wouldn’t be authentic in my faith.

Miller: But, so, you’re saying, ‘The conversation can go on without me.’

Father O’Connell: I’m saying that all of us are in that conversation. And ah, we have been for some time. We will continue to be. I think, you know, to the point you are trying to make, Kerri –

Miller: — but I’m ask — I’m trying to clarify where you are on th– on this, and is there some reason you can’t speak freely about it?

Father O’Connell: I think that, I don’t think that, I know I’ve made a decision about where it’s appropriate for me to enter into this dialog, ah within the church, ah, and, ah, I don’t, ah, this isn’t the right place for that.

Crystal clear, right?

I recognize that Father O’Connell is limited in what he can say, and I doubt he would think it some great revelation to hear me say that the key to “dignity” is not that tricky. Stop the spiritual violence. Stop the conditional love that hangs over the heads of LGBT people when they step into a sanctuary.

Sadly, the Basilica’s website has removed specific references to “Boulevards” (the LGBT outreach/support/social group) and only has a phone number for you to call for help to meet with someone to “grow in knowledge and understanding.”

At some point, even the most patient and faithful LGBT people grow weary of “dialog.” At some point, LGBT people want communities of faith that will move beyond the presumed “pain” and re-frame their faith community as a place where everyone can bring their joy, too.

Comedienne and cleaning spokesperson Diane Amos recently spoke to the San Francisco Bay Times about drawing from her life experience for material for her stand-up.

She says that talking about coming from a gay-parented family in her comedy worked to her advantage because other comedians couldn’t steal her material! Good point.

Excerpt:

Bay Times: How did having a lesbian mother impact you growing up?

Amos: It was pretty wonderful. It teaches you to be tolerant and accepting at a very early age. I think I was about seven when she came out. In the gay community, you make your own community. There were so many places where my mother had to be in the closet. She was a teacher, so you have to balance teaching your children honesty and integrity yet live a life that is somewhat secret, even though you’re out in the household and all that. I learned to make my own community pretty well and draw off of friends and extended family in ways I think people didn’t used to do.

Read the rest of the interview:
Diane Amos Headlines Funny Girlz
By Paul E. Pratt
May 1, 2008

I seem to remember seeing her also in a promotional video for the Tanqueray AIDS ride in the late 90s. Does anyone else remember that, too? I just remember seeing her in a Pine-Sol commercial in, say 1999, and wondering if she did the AIDS ride video before or after she signed with Pine-Sol.

Hat tip: Mombian

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Related post: Queerspawn sighting: Last Comic Standing