Q:

I am a single lesbian mother raising a five-year-old daughter. I used a donor to conceive, but now my daughter is telling people her dad died and that he is in heaven looking down at her. When she asks me, “Do I have a dad?” I tell her, “No.”

What next? Help!

A:

And you thought getting pregnant was going to be your biggest hurdle on the queer parenthood path.

Avoiding the issue of your daughter’s “father” has left her without adequate information to deal with the everyday questions children face when they come from “alternative” families. And now you are surprised that she is doing her best to fill in the blanks?

It is perfectly normal for a five year old to be curious about where she came from. Her peers are equally as curious. The majority of five-year-olds that come in contact with your daughter have been told that babies come from a man and a woman. They take this as absolute information, but notice that your daughter doesn’t have a father. No doubt they are asking her over and over again where her father is. When she tries telling them them she doesn’t have one, they say things along the lines of “that’s not possible. Everyone has to have a father.”

She is old enough to understand the basic concept that babies are created with an egg from a woman and sperm from a man. In her case, however, you wanted to be her mom so much that you went to a doctor who gave you the sperm of a man who wanted to help you make a baby. (I think using the word “bank” is confusing since little kids only know about one kind of bank.) Then help her find ways she is comfortable explaining it to her peers. Keep in mind that simply saying, “that’s personal information, and I don’t feel the need to share that” is perfectly acceptable. She will need to define her own boundaries about how much information she wants to share. But if she chooses to explain the details to her classmates, she will certainly not be the first young child of alternative insemination who held court on the playground or on the bus ride home while enlightening her peers about the science of reproduction.

Avoiding this will not make it any less complicated. Be open with her now, or face even worse misunderstandings about her biological father in the future. And if at all possible, help your daughter connect with other children who were created via alternative insemination. (Family Pride and COLAGE are great places to start in search of a group near you.) Helping your daughter understand that she is not the “only one” could make a big difference in how she feels about herself and her family.

Q:

My girlfriend is telling me that we can never be together because of her kids (ages 11 and 2). Our relationship began seven months ago, but we were friends first. This is her first gay relationship. She has told me that she has never been happier in her life, but she just can’t do it because of the kids. I told her she should come out to the kids, and she sounded scared to death to even think about it. Plus, she won’t talk to anyone else about this.

It makes me feel as if she is ashamed of me in public, but in love with me in private. She states she has to let me go for my own good, but my own good is with her and the kids. We went to my home for her to meet my family, and it was complete bliss. She was filled with affection and just glowing because she was with me. We get back to reality and she became completely distant.

She says we have to stop because it is not fair to me and because she can’t give 100% like I deserve. Our only issue is the kids and I feel that we can deal with this, but how?

A:

Her kids are not the “only issue,” but rather part of a much bigger issue. She is still closeted and you are not. Her insistence to not come out to her kids could be a convenient excuse that insulates her from the risks and consequences that come with being visible in a same-sex relationship.

With or without children, differing levels of outness between couples put a huge strain on any same-sex relationship. The “out” person feels stifled; the closeted person feels anxious. There’s little room to grow as a couple under these circumstances.

On the other hand, seven months is not a very long time to be out. She might need more time to feel comfortable with herself before she fully accepts it and is ready to come out to others. When you brought her home to meet your family, you gave her a glimpse of how comfortable she could feel. It could take a while before she is willing to take the risks necessary to get to that level of “outness” in all areas of her life.

Her fear of coming out to her children is not atypical; the part I am more concerned about however, is her unwillingness to explore solutions. Find out if she is open to a reasonable timeline for being open with her children. If she is emphatic about never, there’s little you can do. She is setting up an impossible scenario for a relationship with her, and her affectionate/distant cycles will soon drive you crazy. We both know those cycles are all about her and not about you, but it doesn’t make them any less hurtful or confusing.

At least she’s right about one thing: you deserve someone who can be with you 100%. Unless some radical changes happen soon, she’s telling you — and showing you — in numerous ways that she is not prepared to be that person for you.

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For more information on this topic, see Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell it Like It Is.
The chapter, “Coming Out: A Family Process” speaks directly to parents about why it is important to come out to children, and addresses the most common reasons parents avoid doing so.

Q:

I’m a gay father of a six-year-old son. I came out four years ago, and his mother and I remain best friends. My parents wish to keep my ex-wife involved in family gatherings, even when my partner is there. I am caught in the middle, trying to ensure my partner is okay with my ex-wife being there, and making sure that my ex-wife doesn’t feel excluded from my family for my son’s sake. I’m generally okay with both of them being included, but I don’t know if it should continue forever. Should we lessen the occasions to ease confusion with others?

A:

Ease confusion for whom? Your son? Your parents? Your wife?

It sounds to me like the person who is most concerned about any confusion is you — torn between your partner and “best friend.” You make no mention of how your son reacts in these situations, and really, that is the person whose feelings must be top priority in making this decision.

If your parents are including your former wife because she is the mother of their grandchild and they still consider her part of the family, that’s great. Grandchildren everywhere should be so lucky to have grandparents who don’t expect kids to choose loyalties after a divorce. However, if your parents include her as a cover-up or to maintain their denial, then it needs to stop. Do your parents recognize your partner at these gatherings as your “partner”? If not, and they are in denial, making sure your former wife is present is a reminder of your “heterosexual” past that they pretend hasn’t changed — and they are trying to convince themselves that your partner is “just a friend.”

Sound extreme? Do not underestimate family denial.

What is the general tone at these gatherings? If these are fake nicey-nice events that everyone attends out of obligation “for his sake,” you are not doing your child any favors. He is seeing right through the facade and internalizing the tension and resentment.

However, if everyone is genuinely enjoying themselves, let your son enjoy being part of a post-divorce family that actually gets along. You can relax about being a peacekeeper and let all the grown-ups extend and accept invitations as they wish.

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More about dealing with extended family in LGBT families is included in “Family-Defining Moments,” a chapter in Abigail Garner’s book, Families Like Mine.

Q:

My daughter is 10 years old and I have been with my lesbian partner for four years. My daughter’s father and I separated six years ago and we remain friends.

My daughter is having problems at school. When she drew a picture of her family, she drew two stepmothers, a mom and a dad. Kids asked her about the additional women in the drawing, and without thought she said “those are my stepmoms.”

Now the kids in school make fun of her for having a lesbian mom and they say she is gay, too. This hurts my daughter who is still learning about gay and lesbian people herself. She knows she loves her mom, her dad and her two stepmothers (my partner and her father’s wife) but doesn’t know how to deal with her peers. What can I do?

A:

Your family has discovered what every LGBT family discovers sooner or later: Even the most innocent childhood activities become political acts when our families are not accepted or viewed as “normal.”

I remember the “draw your family” assignment well. I consciously decided to omit my father’s partner. When I brought my drawing home, my mom thought it was because I was fantasizing about my mother and father getting back together. In reality, I was just trying to avoid presenting anything that would invite unwelcome attention from my peers.

For other kids, the assignment is the epiphany that their family is viewed differently by other people. As 33-year-old Derek explains in my book, Families Like Mine: “I drew our family. Dad, my brothers, me, Mom, and Donna. The teacher asked who Donna was. I told her ‘Donna.’ I thought every family had a Donna.” (p.97)

How involved is your daughter’s teacher? It’s critical that he or she understands your family and supports your daughter in speaking matter-of-factly about it. Have as many conversations with her teacher — and principal, if possible — as necessary to make sure they know they need to intervene when they hear your daughter getting teased.

Practice with your daughter the types of responses she can say to the kids who tease her. Try role playing different scenarios. Take turns playing the role of your daughter and playing the bully. Listen to her closely when she is playing the bully; she will give you a realistic peek into what she is dealing with in a way which she might not tell you when directly questioned.

Let her know that how ever she chooses to react — provided it’s not mean or violent — is okay with you. She needs to know that it is not her responsibility to stand up for you or protect you. If she wants to stand up for herself using respectful language, she can. But if sometimes she feels safer saying nothing at all, you will not be disappointed and she is not letting down her family.

Finally: as much as parents tell their children that it is really the bully, not the victim, who has the real problem, that doesn’t take away the fact that teasing is scary, hurtful and causes anxiety. Make sure you validate these feelings, or your daughter will worry that her feelings are a sign of weakness and she will stop coming to you for help.

Q:

I am a 40-year-old mother, currently living with a man for the past three years. Before this, I was with a woman for ten years. I am still very attracted to women and I have dreams about them all the time. This guy is abusive in every way and he is in counseling for anger management. He says he loves me but I am confused about what I want, thinking I can get over this turmoil I feel inside by focusing on what the straight life can provide.

I am unhappy, but I am Catholic and my family would freak if I left my straight life since they believe I finally have my life on the right path with a man. I also worry about how going back to women will affect my son. I hope to find the answers I need before I make myself crazy.

A:

You are in an abusive relationship, and you owe it to yourself and to your son to get out. I’m not surprised your abuser says he loves you — this is one of the many things abusers say to manipulate their victims to stay with them.

Please get help immediately. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233). It’s free, confidential, and the service is welcoming to people of any and all sexual orientations. When you call, they will help you find services in your area. (Unlike filing a police report, your abuser will not find out about this call.)

Abusive relationships distort the reality of the person who is being abused. In your case, the anti-gay influence of your family and your religious upbringing has added to that distortion — leading you to believe that being with a man is preferable to being with a woman. Even if you are unhappy. Even if you are a victim of physical and emotional violence.

You are currently isolated by the shame of two secrets, making it extra difficult to ask for help. One secret is the domestic abuse. The other is your attraction to women. You don’t need to be ashamed about either, and talking about it with someone who won’t judge you or blame you will help. Once you and your son are safe, please work with a counselor who is supportive about addressing sexuality issues and who will help you sort through your feelings.

Proceed with caution when you deal with your family; if they are as judgmental as they sound, they could easily sabotage your healing process. As for how the truth about your attraction to women might affect your son: There’s a good chance that your son might need some time to adjust to the news. But that’s hardly fair rationale for raising him in a violent home.

Q:

My husband just found out that his parents are divorcing after 38 years of marriage because his father is gay. My husband is supportive of gay rights, but right now he is shocked and incredibly upset. He feels deceived by his father for keeping this secret for so long and for deserting his mother. Are there any resources out there for this type of situation?

A:

You said your husband has been supportive of gay rights, and that’s great. I hope he’s not confusing being angry at his dad with being homophobic — these are too different issues. Along the way, he will probably be labeled “homophobic” by judgmental people who don’t understand why your husband isn’t immediately cheering his dad on. It’s not a contradiction to support gay rights, but not be ready to be supportive of a recently-out parent.

Of course your husband feels deceived; he has learned that his parents’ reality is very different from what he was led to believe for his entire life. Parents coming out after decades of marriage is more common than most people think. Whether a mom and dad stayed married for 10 or 20 or 30 years before the outing depends on how long the closeted parent was “successful” in suppressing their true identity — but the shock and betrayal and anger all come from the same place. These stories are rarely told — especially from the “kids’” point of few, for a number of reasons:

They don’t know their parent is gay. Adult children not living at home anymore are not privy to the clues that typically force a parent to come out, such as discovered love letters, a cyber trail of gay porn sites or an increase in mysterious phone calls that just don’t add up.

They are not “out” about their parent being gay. Now grown, these children often doubt it is “their business.” They might not ask their parents about it — and they certainly don’t tell their friends about it.

They don’t connect with community resources. Adult children who lived in what appeared to be a heterosexual family for their entire childhood are less likely to seek support from LGBT-family organizations, assuming they don’t “belong.”

Reassure your husband that he is not alone. Adult children can connect with others in similar situations by contacting COLAGE. Ask about the “Adult” listserve, which is for sons and daughters who are 22 – 100 years old. This will be a great way for your husband to hear from other people who have experienced similar family dynamics. (It’s a closed list only for sons and daughters so your husband would have to do that himself if he’s interested…you cannot investigate that on his behalf.)

Finally, your mother-in-law may also be interested in resources for herself. Tell her about the Straight Spouse Network, and the book, The Other Side of the Closet by Amity Pierce Buxton.

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FOR MORE INFORMATION:
See Chapter Two in Families Like Mine: “Coming Out: A Family Process.” Additional insight into parents coming out later in life is included in the chapter “Second Generation” –children recall the hostility they faced when coming out to a parent — only to find out later that the parent was hiding the truth about their own sexuality (pp. 184-187).

Q:

My partner’s six-year-old came home from school and was so riled up. We asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She started crying and said that she was embarrassed that she has two moms. She was barely able to get the words out because she was sobbing so hard. She said that it’s normal for her dad to get divorced and have a girlfriend, but not for her mom. She said, “this is not normal.”

She said she has been feeling embarrassed since she started school. We told her we were glad she told us so that we could all talk about it. She says no one has been teasing her, but her biggest fear is that everyone in school will find out. Yet her teacher told us that on the first day of class she had told her whole class that has two moms.

What’s your reaction? Are six-year-olds observant enough to determine what “normal” is? I keep thinking someone must have teased her, but maybe I’m not giving her enough credit that she does feel this way. How can we support her?

A:

“This is not normal” is a repeat of something she has heard recently. Considering all the talk in the election debates regarding “morality” and gay marriage, you can bet she’s heard those words somewhere — and probably more than once. If she hasn’t heard the rhetoric directly from media, then she has classmates who are repeating to her what they have heard.

When if comes up again, you might try something like, “You might hear from other people that it’s not normal, but what we know in our hearts…” Such a statement validates that the “not normal” belief exists without validating the actual sentiment, and it acknowledges that you are fully aware of the “opposition.” You are not denying that opposition is out there, but it’s not stopping you from being a family.

You asked her if she was teased, but maybe that’s too specific. “Teasing” by most kids is thought of only in an obviously taunting way, as in: nee-ner-nee-ner-NEEEE-ner. Hearing someone say in an otherwise rational tone “that’s not normal” might not let her feel justified to label it teasing. Also, coming out to her own class is one thing. Worrying about how the big third grade kids might react is another.

Her innocent pride may have backfired, leaving her with the unexpected sting of homophobia. Maybe she simply mentioned having two moms and someone said, “that’s not normal.” It only takes one judgmental or dismissive comment to make a child rethink how “out” they are about their families.

I think it’s great you reinforced that she can talk to you about it. Even if it’s crushing you and your partner to see your child struggle, put on your best game face so she doesn’t shut down the communication about this. She will reveal more to you over time, provided she feels confident that she doesn’t need to protect her parents from the truth of her experience.

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FOR MORE INFORMATION: See Chapter Four in Families Like Mine. The chapter, “Out Into the World” addresses how children navigate homophobia when their parents are not with them, and explanations for kids’ strategies.

Q:

I am a heterosexual woman, married for 24 years and mother of two grown sons. Their father, who is transgender, fully transitioned two years ago, and we have stayed married throughout the process.

We have a deep and abiding bond of love and commitment, so that is not the issue. The issue is that I am simply not a lesbian, am not attracted to women in a sexual manner, and am very uncomfortable that people think I am a lesbian. I am attracted to my spouse because I love her and she is who she is.

But because I am not a lesbian, if and when I discuss my spouse with anyone, I want to blurt out, “but she was a man when we got married!” I know this is not a good solution since it only protects me and “outs” her. I find myself avoiding situations, socially and at work, where this topic might come up. She does not mind people knowing her history [of formerly living as a man] and has been very successful in her transition at work and with life in general. I’m the one with the problem. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can resolve this issue?

A:

Staying with your spouse does not require you jumping into a closet of your own. But that is what is happening, since it is affecting your ability to socialize and be open about your own identity. How refreshing to see someone with a “problem” actually own up to it rather than placing blame on someone else!

You are fortunate to have a spouse who can be open about her history without risking her job security or physical safety. Few families feel safe enough to be open about it so they have no choice but to lie. You have some choices in how “out” you want to be about your family.

Speaking very generally: There are two basic scenarios in which you would disclose that you married your spouse when she was a man. One is motivated mostly by homophobia, the other is motivated mostly by the need to avoid lying.

The first disclosure scenario is when a new acquaintance hears you refer to your spouse as “she” or meets your spouse and sees that she is obviously a woman. Explaining that your spouse is transgender in this situation “protects” your heterosexual identity, but only eases your discomfort with being perceived as lesbian.

The second disclosure scenario is in the context of your history with someone who lived as a man. Let’s say a co-worker learns you are married to a woman and in an attempt to be supportive and interested in your family, asks how you and your partner “got” your sons. The assumption would be they were adopted or created with the help of a donor, so you are left with a choice: lie about their biological father, or “out” your family for the sake of an authentic history.

Practice limiting the times you out your family to situations that fall under the second scenario. And if inquisitive people from the first scenario continue to ask follow up questions (like, “How old were you when you knew you were gay?”) they have, by default, cued you to “come out” about your spouse, since any answers to their questions would have to be fabricated.

You and your spouse have maintained your relationship through a gender transition. This is a huge accomplishment and I imagine that your choice to stay with your spouse has left you open to other people’s judgments and unsolicited advice. You have triumphed over those judgments, I hope you can also learn to draw on the same strength when you have to deal with other people’s assumptions about your identity as well.

Q:

I have a ten-year-old daughter who has a hard time answering her friends when they ask the question, “Do your moms sleep in the same bed?”

She is choosing to fib and say that one of us sleeps on the couch. Most of the parents of our daughter’s friends know about our two-mom house, however many of those parents have not talked to their own children about it. What’s the best approach?

A:

Find out from your daughter why she feels she cannot be open with her friends. Have you told her explicitly that it is alright for her to tell them? If you have not told her that directly, she might think her fib is helping to protect her family.

Try role-playing with your daughter, with her pretending to be the inquisitive friend or friends’ parents. This will give you insight into the your daughter’s perception of the risks involved. It will also give you (role-playing as your daughter) the opportunity to suggest responses for her. She might not really know what words are okay to use in reference to her parents, or she might worry that saying yes to the same-bed question is disclosing sexual behavior. Point out to her that her friends with a mom and dad don’t have to hide that their parents sleep in the same bed.

Parents of her friends would also benefit from some guidance about what to say and how to say it. Tell them that they would be helping (rather than meddling) if they spoke with their children about your family. Remind them that conversations about same-sex parents do not require in depth explanations about sexual behavior. Give them an example of the exact words they could use to start the conversation, like “You noticed when you were over at Ella’s house that she has two mothers…”

You say that “most” of the parents of your daughter’s friends know. Do you expect your ten-year-old to keep track of which parents do know, and which don’t? Probably not, but she might think she is supposed to. Relieve her of that responsibility by telling all of the parents of her friends she plays with outside of school hours. If a child is close enough to your daughter to be at your home, presumably you have spoken with the parents. Tell the parents that your daughter is from a two-mom house and that they shouldn’t be taken off guard if their children ask questions. Also tell the parents that you do not expect your daughter to cover up her family, and if questions arise when her friends are over, you and your partner will answer them in age-appropriate ways.

Each time you have this conversation with another parent you are risking a prickly response and possibly rejection. But if these are the parents of children playing with your daughter, wouldn’t you rather know where they stand from the very beginning?

Q:

I am a stepmother with two kids (ages 13 and 10) who I love as my own. Their mother — my husband’s former wife — is a lesbian in a committed relationship. Here’s where I’m at a loss: She refuses to talk to the kids about her sexual orientation despite the fact that her partner has lived in their house for several years.

My husband and I have always tried to be open and honest with the kids about virtually every issue. In fact, the kids participated in our friends’ commitment ceremony. Both of them find absolutely nothing “wrong” or “funny” about two people loving each other, regardless of sexual orientation.

I am troubled by their mother’s lack of honesty, given that the silence seems to create a “this is wrong, so don’t talk about it” atmosphere. Yet I don’t feel that it would be appropriate or constructive if my husband or I “outed” his ex-wife. Any advice?

A:

Take it from someone who has heard from dozens of grown children of lesbian mothers living with nebulous “roommates”: The kids deserve to know the truth.

Too often, the role of the partner is not articulated, which confuses the children. The mother might justify the silence by insisting that pointing out the obvious stirs up unnecessary drama or attention. (“It is what it is — why do I have to point it out or put labels on it?”) But the silence, as you have observed, implicitly communicates that there is something “wrong” with the relationship.

What does the ex-wife think you and your husband know? Has she officially come out to you? If not, she might think this is something she needs to hide from you for fear she will lose all custody of the kids.

It’s time for everybody to get honest. Your husband can reassure his former wife that her sexual orientation will never be exploited in any kind of custody issues. She needs to understand how this huge un-secret is sending mixed signals to the kids. Tell her about the steps you have taken so far to make sure the children respect and honor same-sex relationships. She might be stunned to learn she has your support in coming out to the kids.

After that conversation, if she explicitly refuses to talk to them about it, it’s fair to tell her you will no longer cover up for her. Inform her that you will speak respectfully of her relationship with her partner in the same way you refer to the other gay and lesbian people your family knows.

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For more information on this topic, see Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell it Like It Is. The chapter, “Coming Out: A Family Process” explains why parents need to talk to their children about their sexual orientation — even if they think it’s screamingly obvious.