Whatever the orientations and gender identities of the couple, that there is a massive gap between the “perfect” family they are so desperate for others to see (and respect and praise them for) and the privately dysfunctional situation at home is clearly symptomatic of deep problems.

Regardless of what else is going on, my gut reaction is that here are two people so desperately frightened of rejection, so low in self-esteem that they have found a way to build a whole life on a lie. They are not the perfect family. Their relationship might be great – and there’s no reason why a gay man and a straight woman (assuming those are their orientations and gender identities) shouldn’t have a loving relationship, whether romantic or not – but part of the glue that binds them together is not only being supportive friends, but also being each others’ defence against the world, each bolstering the others’ lies and running interference to keep reality at bay. They’re not authentic people, and it sounds ultimately miserable and lonely. And they’re so bound up in projecting the “perfect” family image that they can’t connect with their own child. How bloody awful that must be.

And how bloody awful for her.

I think your father not saying anything might be his way of saying something to you without telling all the world. I’m dating a Transgendered woman with a 17 year old daughter and I ask her how do you feel about your dad becoming a woman and her response is “She is finely happy with being a girl then the man she was before”. <–off track

Should your father tell you that he is gay? honestly if he is, then he might be embarrassed about it. In the past gay men were not out like now and he maybe be feeling the same pressure like back then. It’s not like he is young enough just to give up a marriage just so he can have that guy in his life or make new friends. He has settled and moved on.

Certainly, that’s not the ideal way to handle things and it sounds llike it didn’t make for a very good childhood, but if it’s working for them, perhaps that’s ok?

I can tell you that as a parent, there are a lot of things I used to do that I no longer can given that I have three kids. Yes, I miss going out a lot. I miss the parties and buying CD’s. I miss adult vacations and working on my hobbies. And, yes, it’s my kids’ fault. But I’m okay with that — it’s something I knew would happen and I was willing to give up all that stuff in exchange for everything that goes with being a parent. Perhaps these parents weren’t expecting such a dramatic lifestyle change and resented it, taking it out on the girl? Doesn’t make it right, of course, but sometimes understanding helps a bit.

I certainly understand any child’s desire for truth and also love but telling a most intimate “secret” doesn’t make one love another. I’m sorry she had a cold childhood but I don’t think it is because he is or isn’t gay.

Sometimes it isn’t any of our business. My parents stayed together long after dad came out. It was their choice and I know they loved each other and they loved my brother and me. I don’t understand why they stayed together, I wouldn’t have if I were in the same situation, at least I think I wouldn’t but who really knows until they get there? People marry and stay married for all kinds of crazy reasons. Sometimes because they love each other, out of habit, for the kids, because they are friends, because they are afraid to be alone…pick one or add your own. It is their choice, not ours as their children.