From a 24-year-old woman in Canada:

I just started reading your book, and exploring your website and I am very impressed. My father is gay and I have never met or talked to another ‘queerspawn’ (as I have heard us referred to!) It has been such a relief hearing your story, and knowing that there are other people out there who have similar experiences to mine.

I am hoping to contact you because I’m currently writing a proposal for a peer support group for teenagers with one or more gay, lesbian, bisexual and/or transgender parent(s). I am wondering what strategies worked, or did not work for your teen support group? As well, what topics did you cover? Do you feel that this group was successful? Would you recommend starting a group like this, and if so do you have any recommendations or resources that you could provide me with?

I apologize for all of the questions. I am just having a difficult time finding any research or rationale that supports a need for such a group. I appreciate you taking time to read this, and I appreciate any help that you can give me.

Check out COLAGE’s resources about creating a chapter. Some of the groups are talk/support groups and the resources on COLAGE’s website includes the various structures different groups have created.

Here are some of my own tips from my experience of leading various groups for six years:

Find an accessible location where many teens would be able to get there without a ride from parents. Too often, the barriers to teens showing up are a) their parents have determined the child doesn’t “need” to attend or b) the child does not want to hurt his/her parents’ feelings be telling them they want to attend. A central location for events means that teens can arrive and participate autonomously.

Conduct outreach beyond parent networks. Contact school counselors, teachers, coaches, ministers who will share this information with the children they work with. If you go only to the LGBT parent network, the parents (and maybe their kids) might shrug at that suggestion, since their network is a de facto support group that they might take for granted.

Be clear about your intention and keep expectations realistic. Make sure parents know your group is not therapy. The children will not be instantly transformed into activists (nor is that your goal), you will not be brainwashing anyone, and you will not be reporting to parents what children say in group. The exception to the confidentiality rule, of course, is if a group member talks about hurting themselves or another person.

Be consistent. Say what you are going to do, and then do it. Don’t make promises you are not certain you can keep. Too many children — in all kinds of families — navigate a revolving door of adults in their lives, making it difficult to know who to trust. For teens who are bystanders to the unpredictable world of their parents’ hook-ups. break-ups and make-ups, it’s important that you commit to being one of the adults in their life who they can count on.

Be patient. It takes a while to build a critical mass at your meetings. You will have meetings when nobody shows. It happens sometimes, but it is not a reflection on the importance of having the group. What matters is that people know the group is there, and that you will still be there when they are ready to show up.

Don’t worry too much about measuring “success” too soon. Just being there matters in ways that you might never know — or at least you might not know right away. The first group I facilitated was in January 1995. Now those “kids” are in their 20s. I have heard from a number of them since my book came out. What is most fulfilling is to learn that the ones who rolled their eyes and cracked their gum at me (and disappeared after one or two meetings), appreciated the group as much as the teens who seemed fully engaged at the time. So keep in mind that the teen who is the most distant or disruptive could actually be absorbing the most.

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