Oct 31st, 2006
Listen Up Parents: Voices of Transracial Adoption
Outsiders Within is a new anthology that all adoptive parents and those who are considering adopting should read.
One of the editors, Jane Jeong Trenka, is an ally of mine, and I hope she considers me an ally to her and other transracially-adopted people. Adopted from Korea and raised in Minnesota, Jane grew up with adoptive parents who were heterosexual, but a couple emails between us showed us the places where our experiences overlap. The overlaps include:
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1) Parents avoiding what we have to say because it is “too hard to hear.”
2) Smug prospective parents convinced that their family will be different. They will have nothing to worry about, because for their children it will be a “non-issue.”
3) Being approached by parents with younger children, who expect us to answer their questions from a parent-centered perspective (i.e. uplifting for parents) and then are totally bummed when we respond from a child-centered perspective (i.e. complex and critical).
4) Getting dismissed as “ungrateful,” “spoiled,” or “angry” adults when we speak a comprehensive truth rather than waxing poetic about our lovely childhoods.
For me, a white woman, my understanding of my kid-of-queers identity is deepened by learning about transracial adoptee identities. For a growing population, however, these two identities are not “either/or,” but both. Meaning: more and more children of color are being adopted by white parents who are also LGBT.
I have heard, numerous times, that the honest voices of adult adoptees make adoptive parents want to shut down, check out, or run away.
But these same parents say they would do “anything” for their kids. Why should “listening to what I’m afraid to hear” be the exception?
This is a subject that has been growing in my mind. As a product of transracial insemination, I also ended up as a person of color being raised by white parents. I’m hoping to write something about it soon. I’ll share it with you when I’ve finished it.
As one of those white adoptive parents raising 2 boys who are African-American, I appreciate your comments and thoughts and will continue to challenge myself and my husband to struggle with the complex, uncomfortable and very real truth that is always apart of transracial adoption. Parents who think there are no issues or expect/demand that their children be silent, grateful or just like them are diminishing their children and themselves and denying the rest of us the gift of the full potential/identity of their child. I want my boys to be fully who they are meant to be - and that cannot happen if I don’t acknoweldge the total truth of who each of them is - and listen to how they experience that truth - even if it is painful or uncomfortable to me. It’s not about me! I talk with waiting parents sometimes and they are so focused on “getting their baby” - it’s all about them. I have been there and the system perpetuates that attitude also - but it will be a long hard road for everyone if, at some point, the adoptive parents don’t realize that what they are doing is about the child first and foremost.
Thanks for listening and raising good points and thoughts.