Oct 15th, 2006
Early Graduation: Something to Prove?
The Houston Chronicle today profiles four families of gay parents. In two of the families, the kids are old enough to speak for themselves.
Same-Sex Parents: ‘Gayby boom’ in Houston
City a favorite spot for gays and lesbians to raise families
By Cynthia Leonor Garza
Oct. 15, 2006
There’s also a brief quote from me. The reporter called me asking if I could comment on how it is different for “Generation Y” kids of queer parents, and my message was that while there more be more families that are out, there is still scrutiny on the kids — and backlash. While that wasn’t exactly what got quoted in the story, you can definitely see that theme woven into the older kids’ stories.
If you click over the the article, make sure you don’t overlook the rather unassuming list of links under “Resources” in the right column. It includes video and photos of the families, as well as statistics to make this a truly multi-media production.
A couple of things that caught my attention in the video that were not reflected in the print story.
1) In the article, Michele DeChant said about her teen children.
“I don’t make them carry my flags for me…You don’t have to be the poster child for gay parents. They’ll have their own battles to fight.”
What didn’t make it to the print version is the family chuckling at her comment as she points out the paradox of the situation, since her children are being interviewed in the media about being children of gay parents.
2) April Gonzalez, 17, reveals that intolerant attitudes have pushed her to excel:
“In other people’s bigoted minds, having gay parents … I’m not a normal person. I can’t be raised as a normal child. There’s going to be something mentally wrong with me, or they’re going to turn me gay…I’m just the same as everybody else.”
In her full quote in the video, she says she graduated from high school early to prove that she’s just the same as everybody else and then adds “even a little bit better.”
Another paradox, and one I write about often: that kids of queers have to be exceptional to earn the label “normal.” April graduated from high school a year early to show that she’s “the same” as other people, but how typical is it, really, for a 17 year old to push herself into college early?
Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that it is not all that unusual for queerspawn to graduate early from highschool (including yours truly). Is there something to this?
Personally, I was dreading the hype and the ritual that came with the end of senior year. I didn’t want to deal with planning a boozy spring break vacation, a classist sexist prom, an overrated graduation ceremony, and the summer of partying that was expected to follow. And don’t get me started on the clumsy cherry-popping competitions. I wanted none of it. So I started packing on additional credits during my junior year, and while my peers were chugging beer bongs in Cancun that March, I was volunteering for an NGO in Nicaragua.
Did my choice have to do with being queerspawn? I think so. I spent a lot of time in all-adult space, and I drew hope from the idea that there was a huge world waiting for me beyond the popularity contests of high school, not to mention the embedded homophobia. The sooner I could shed high school and start living my own life, the better. I was running away from high school more than I was running to Nicaragua. Knowing what I know now, I absolutely would have done it again. I’m just not sure how as I sixteen year old I had the focus to know it was time to leave, and then figure out the plan to make it happen.
But enough about me. If you graduated from high school early and you have LGBT parent/s, what was your motivation? Do you think your decision was linked to your family background?
I started college part time at 12, though continued to go to high school until I was 15. I’m sure it had a LOT to do with wanting to get into an environment where I was less isolated. But that wasn’t just having a lesbian mom…it was having a lesbian mom whose partner taught at the school I attended (yes, she taught phys ed) and being second generation and being less affluent than my prep school classmates.
I felt pressure to excel, not so much as a queerspawn, but as an adoptee and as a daughter of a divorced mom. Queerspawn wasn’t on the radar. But then again, as someone born in 1967, I didn’t have a peer group of “raised without dad”, regardless of the reasons why a family might not include a father.
Weird! I graduated from high school early! Not that early, but I certainly did leave midway through my senior year when I realized that I had enough credits. I HATED high school w/ a passion — it was an uptight, judgmental, conservative and thoroughly homophobic place. I was thrilled to be out of there….
-Meema
I started elementary school early (age 4) and was selected to take all gifted, honors, and AP classes…
I dual-enrolled in 10th & 11th grade and then just decided I was “done with high school” so I early admitted to university and lived on campus in a dorm for what would have been my senior year.
Though I took the “normal” 4 years for my undergraduate degree, I earned a major (psych) and 3 minors (sociology, women’s & gender studies, and religion) and was just a few credits shy of minors in anthropology & philosophy too.
Still on the fast track I went straight to grad school and earned my MA in 1.5 years and my PhD in 3, finishing my Ph.D. at age 25 (which apparently was some sort of record). The entire time I was working 3 part-time jobs to make ends meet as I had become financially independent when I left home to early admit at age 16… I was also volunteering at a bunch of nonprofits as I was passionate about human rights & social justice (I still am).
Looking back now, I do not feel like this was an achievement or something to be particularly proud of. I was always an overachiever and always in a rush– its just sort of who I am. My parents never pressured me regarding school, in fact, they were so caught up in their own pain, they barely acknowledged my achievements.
At the time, if you would have asked me whether my dad being gay had anything to do with my rush through school, I’d have said no. By the time I was nearing the end of high school I was no longer bullied or harassed about having a gay dad - or if I was, it was done behind my back. I was tired of the immaturity of some of my high school peers and looked forward to college… I basically just decided I wanted to be independent, and figured that going to college would be a good (socially acceptable) way to do so.
I now realize that though I was friends with the “popular” crowd, I never felt like I belonged and I was really uncomfortable with all of the heterosexist rituals like homecoming court and prom. I somehow made it through high school without going to a single prom and only one homecoming dance (I’d been elected to court and going to the dance was required… I protested in my own way by refusing to wear hose & heels and instead wore birkenstocks with my gown). So, yeah, I too was running away…
As I began to type this reply, the line “kids of queers have to be exceptional to earn the label ‘normal.’” kept echoing in my mind. Somehow I had forgotten that for the first half of my life (I turn 30 next month), I spent a lot of energy trying to be — not just normal– but perfect.
I wanted to be liked and accepted… and if it felt safe, I might disclose that my dad was gay, and hope that instead of ostracizing me, they’d change their assumptions about gay people (and kids of gay people) if I could just prove them wrong…
Now that I’ve actually typed this out - I must admit that my parents’ divorce and my dad being gay were not unrelated to my determination (at times unhealthy) & drive to achieve.
As the mom of queerspawn and a passionate educator, this discussion is of high interest to me. I amwondering if more of you have stories about “running away” from high school to tell. I do think this is indicative of two things. One, that our high schools have been negligent in providing challenging programs, both academically and socially for our most capable and mature students. Secondly, queerspawn, because of life experiences have developed a social maturity and perception to see that the coming-of-age-rites that many high schools perpetuate are not very meaningful and very likely to be classist, sexist and and unjust, as well as economically and socially irresponsible. Neither of my kids shed a tear upon leaving high school, and both found ways to shorten their time there.
Are there more similar stories out there?
My brother and I both graduated a year early. Both of us HATED traditional high school and went to an alternative school in NYC where you could get credits for working. Did it prepare me for college? No, but at least I was out of the minimum security prison that passed for an educational institution. Maybe queerspawn have a lower tolerance for repressive environments and will do whatever is necessary to escape them.
Bssed on my experience in my on-going role as Mom, I support the idea that queerspawn have lower intolerance for repressive environments. Both of my adult children have been in the past, and continue to be, able to identify repressive environments long before I begin to analyze a situation.