What is the cost of the closet to kids? Henry Coe Jr. introduced himself to me yesterday by sending me a letter he wrote to the The Oprah Show.

Here’s his letter [with permission to post here using his real name]:

I was eleven years old when my Dad came out and I have concerns about Mr McGreevey’s oldest kid [now 13]. If McGreevey spent years trying not too feel how he felt, he probably passed that trait to his kid. I heard those things growing up, that “I shouldn’t feel how I felt” or “I should change how I feel.”Did Mr McGreevey use these terms with his kid while he lived those messages?

I was good at appearing as though things were ok after my parents were divorced, so was the rest of my family. Just like we pretended things were fine growing up. Everyone understood what I had gone through as a kid and a teen, but it was years before I realized no one showed me how to move on.

I have fear for his oldest kid getting stuck as everything is still about Dad and everything this kid thought family was about, just took a 180.

He then wrote more to me directly:

I have many personal memories of having a Dad who was prominent in the community being a doctor along with what I mentioned earlier about growing up learning how not to feel how I felt. Doing that then at 11 years old and trying to go into my teens, I had grown up as “Dr Coe’s son” and had my future and identity wrapped in who I thought I was, around the family I thought I had. All that changed and I had to go along with it.

My mom had her own depression issues and there was a lot more homo-hostile attitudes back in those days and my Dad was busy getting on in his new life with Tom so I learned to isolate as a result.

I think James McGreevey is probably still about making appearances and assuming everything is ok with his kids because they told him what he wanted to hear. Remember they have probably grown up learning to not feel how they feel like their Dad and probably their Mom learned to stay in that relationship. It would be the coping mechanism they know.

Before, their Dad was trying to be all things for all people and denying who he was. Now everything is all about his new life and his moving on.

I have a lot of fear for his kid. I was suicidal at 13 and living in depression for 10 years trying to pretend all would be well.

Just to clarify, my depression wasn’t about Dad being gay, it was about all the consistency in my life was gone and no one was available to help me be me — they were all busy moving on. I think that age had a lot to do with it. My sisters — 4 and 5 years older — adjusted better, and my brother five years younger wasn’t really a part of Dad’s life so it wasn’t a big issue for him.

My heart just really goes out to McGreevey’s oldest kid. I’d like to help if I had some way too reach out.

More thoughts about McGreevey on the Oprah Show and/or the closet, etc.? Feel free to leave a comment at the bottom of this post.

My own thoughts about kids growing up with a parent in the closet can be found here.

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