I received this email over the weekend:

Are you married or do you have children? It seems many of the people who present media images of the Queer don’t make clear their own sexuality or political agendas. As a product of the alternative lifestyle, what have you chosen as your sexuality and what impact, if any, would you say your family had on your ultimate choice?

So many teachable moments, so little time. I’m only going to tackle the marriage issue in this post. To find the answers to the remainder of your email, read my book, Families Like Mine, especially Chapter One (on impact) and Chapter Eight (on orientation).

Using marital “status” and a history of procreation as indicators of sexual orientation will lead you to terribly inaccurate conclusions.

Take my family, for example:
My father was married to a woman for 15 years and had two kids. Gay.
I am unmarried and childfree. Not gay.

Plus a few national statistics:
The Straight Spouse Network estimates between one and three million GLBT people are married to heterosexual spouses.
There are an estimated 10 million children with parents who are GLBT.

Still, our society continues to use marriage as a sign of heterosexuality. This makes it a tempting option for gay and lesbian people to safely stay in the closet in plain sight. So many times, my innocent question of wondering if someone is “family” (i.e. gay) has been met with someone else’s defensive response, “He can’t be gay! He’s married and has four kids!”

As someone who is in the media a lot, I watch editors and producers try to grasp how I can be heterosexual when I won’t offer any “evidence” of my heterosexuality. Here’s a composite of a typical pre-interview:

Producer: Do you and your husband have kids?

Me: No kids. And I’m not married.

Producer: But it says here you are heterosexual.

Me: I am.

Producer: But no husband. A fiancé, then?

Me: No fiancé.

Producer: Are you at least thinking about it? A boyfriend you are probably going to marry?

Me: No.

Producer: Anyone you’ve dated that we can talk to? Who will go on camera about what it’s like dating you? We need proof.

Hell, at this point the guy at the deli counter who winked at me would be better than nothing.

Sometimes, producers choose to omit me from their story because I don’t fit into their tidy profile of what they wanted. They need a heterosexual offspring and they need proof. But parading around men I date (or have dated) as proof of my sexuality is demeaning, not to mention an added stresser that no man meant to sign up for when he asked me out for a cup of coffee.

I happen to identify as a culturally queer heterosexual woman. Everybody will just have to take my word for it.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS