Feb 26th, 2006
Lesbian Moms, Trans Queerspawn
Thank you to lesbian parent Jennifer Meyer for her op-ed today in The Register-Guard (Eugene, Oregon), “For lesbian, transgender son brings pride and worry”
Like many parents who were already out before they became parents, it was relatively easy for Meyer to be boldly out and proud with her partner when their kids were little. Being boldly out and proud about the same children 10, 15, or 20 years later, however, is not always so easy. The reason? Kids grow up. Lives of their own. Ideas of their own. Ready or not.
A few excerpts:
With all the controversy over human rights these days, it’s time for me to get off of the sidelines and come out of the closet. Not as a lesbian this time (I’ve done that for decades), but as the mother of a transgender son.
Her family, in fact, was featured in a series of newspaper articles about lesbian parenting that followed them over several years when Tobi was young to see how a son without a father was faring. [See Tobi's comment.]
So now, as my very outspoken first-born takes a stand - everywhere from City Council meetings to the national media - I can’t help but cringe a bit. The confidence that always kept outside criticism at bay sometimes wavers, and doubts creep in. Did we cause this?
…
Tobi is not here to prove that lesbians can be good parents. She’s here to make her own mark on this world. Just as Kate and I rode the crest of the gay and lesbian movement in the 1970s and ’80s, Tobi is forging new paths in the frontiers of gender and sexuality.
If she raises a few eyebrows in the process, and if some of those raised eyebrows are directed at Kate and at me, that’s just as well. Because we are a family of eyebrow levitators. And for every crinkled brow, a mind may be expanded, even if just a little.
Please — any parent or future parent should read this. Parenting stops being about you the moment your child is placed in your arms for the first time. Are you ready to embrace your child for all she is becoming, even when she raises a few eyebrows?
Tobi is a regular visitor to “Damn Straight” so I hope she will choose to weigh in on her mother’s commentary or feedback/reactions to it in the future.
I’m glad to see this getting posted here. I’ve been working with my mom on this article for a bit and I’m very proud of her for writing it. It represents a lot of the struggles that we as a family have had.
Honestly, there have been some difficult times for us. But whenever she did anything messed up, she always called me that evening to apologize. A lot of people always end up being stunned that lesbian parents would have difficulty with having a trans child. Of course being lesbian doesn’t translate perfectly to understanding trans issues, but being a family in the spotlight has created additional difficulties for us.
And just one tiny correction to this post, the articles done on our family were exploring the two moms thing and didn’t really deal with the whole “absent father” issue. But there were certainly plenty of people who brought that issue up in the flow of letters to the editor that follwed them.
Your clear thinking commentary continues to challenge me. I learn from each entry on your blog. Lenore