Kudos to Dan Savage for admitting his parenting misstep in his Chicago Tribune commentary, “Why we’re returning this summer to gay family camp in Michigan.”  (Subscription required)

His sentiment summarizes countless conversations I have had with brave new gay families who dismiss the voices of adult children (including those in my book) as irrelevant, with comments along the lines of, “Why make such an issue out of this? YOU ALL had the issues. Things are so different for OUR children.”

But it takes some parents longer than others to put down their defenses to even recognize how they are limiting their kids’ life experience. You see, queer parents who were out before having kids too often deny that their children might be interested in seeking community or support (or whatever you want to call it). Queer parents who are solidly out and “so over” seeking any kind of support/network for themselves overlook that their children are going through an experience of their own — much of which queer parents do not understand.

Savage says part of his resistance in connecting with other families (until his son’s meltdown demanded he reconsider) was because he and his partner have “never really been joiners.” (Ack!! If I had a nickel every time…) Queer families are full of “non-joiners.” (We’re queer after all.) It’s a common character trait that makes our gatherings so much fun.

Savage the Gay Dad is also softening in other ways. In the Chicago Tribune he referred to his son’s mother as a “young woman.” Much more respectful than what he called her in his memoir: “gutter punk.” I know, I know: humorous memoir; “gutter punk” is supposed to be funny. I hope that when DJ (now 8) starts reading his dad’s writing he will have a perspective on his dad’s humor that will preclude him from feeling ashamed by the casual ways Savage wrote about his birth mother for the sake of entertaining readers. I hope.

Back to the Chicago Tribune commentary: Savage has learned what so many queer parents in denial eventually (hopefully) learn: those precious bundles that changed your world will grow up, ready or not. And they will have needs, feelings, anxieties, hopes, desires, and yes, opinions of their own.

You don’t necessarily have to take a queer family vacation to connect your kids with other kids. You can also try a local group of parents with kids, or see if there is a group specifically for kids of queer parents in your area. If that doesn’t pan out, connect them with online chat groups or leave books on the coffee table that remind them they are not alone.

Recognizing your mistakes doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a better parent.