Article by Abigail Garner

My father and his partner have been together for twenty-six years. Their relationship provides me with the magic words for any debate about gay people being deviant or immoral. “Twenty-six years” gives pause to even the most ignorant homophobes.

When I lean on these magic words, however, I suppress my concern about the danger of attempting to use marriage equality as the key to queer liberation. By boasting about my parents’ long-term relationship, I am implicitly communicating a value that doesn’t sit well with me: that queer people are worthy of equality only if they have a life partner to whom they are willing to commit.

In heterosexual society, “marital status” is exactly that: status. Single heterosexual men and woman are viewed as unfinished projects in need of a spouse to “complete” them. As a single 32-year-old woman, I am regularly asked, “Why aren’t you married?,” as if I should provide a simple explanation to enlighten the world about some major defect that makes it impossible for me to snag a husband. It has only been in the past few years that words like “singleton” or “quirkyalone” have emerged to offer alternatives to the stereotypes of the bitter spinster or the unkempt bachelor.

I would like to believe that queer liberation could shake the rest of the world out of the mentality of validating individuals through marriage. Yet the current gay-rights-via-marriage rhetoric continues to ignore so many people in LGBT communities who do not have equal rights but are not part of a couple. It’s disappointing to see queer activists fall into this heterosexist trap.

When I pull out the magic words, questions nag at me about how society will view the “worthiness” of queer people who are single, divorced, or widowed. Not all COLAGErs can say their parents are in long-term relationships. Some people’s parents are single by choice. Others have seen their two moms or two dads split up, and other COLAGErs have a mom or dad who dates a lot, but without one significant person who would warrant acknowledging an anniversary of any kind.

Marriage should be a right and a choice for all Americans regardless of gender. And it is indeed important to shatter stereotypes about gay people by showing mainstream America that many of them have life partners.

“Twenty-six years” is something easy for otherwise unaffected voters to remember when they hear about That One Daughter With The Gay Dads. If that is something that helps homophobes see gay people as human beings, I will continue to rely on those magic words. In the process, however, I don’t want queer communities to buy into the straight world’s assumption that marriage should be the preferred “status” for everyone, or that there is something “wrong” with people — of any sexual orientation — who choose not to marry.

Originally published in Just For Us.
Reprinted in Rainbow Families.

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