Jun 12th, 2002
Coming out to kids: Not an single event, but a journey
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Article by Abigail Garner
Come out to my kids? I don’t have to “come out” to them because I’ve never been “in.”
For parents who were out before they added children to their family, the idea of officially coming out to their kids seems moot. Unlike parents who leave a heterosexual marriage after coming out, there isn’t a need to sit the kids down and actually discuss the parents’ sexual orientation.
Or is there?
Regardless of how “out” parents are, it’s important that they talk about it with their children. For parents who were openly LGBT before having children, “coming out” is less like opening a closet door, and more like peeling the layers of an onion. As children move into new developmental stages, their awareness changes, and they become curious about things that the might not have noticed when they were younger.
Kids who are young and have two moms or two dads understand just that: they have two moms or two dads. But it’s not fair to assume that they understand that the word “gay” is attached to that relationship when parents are not specifically using that word in front of them. When parents assume that their kids “get it,” they miss a wonderful opportunity: teaching their kids what “gay” means before they hear it as a negative word.
Some parents worry that pointing out what makes their family different will only make the situation more dramatic than it needs to be. If they just live their lives, they tell me, they are demonstrating to their children that there is no reason to be ashamed of their family. But talking about family differences is not the same as instilling shame in children.
Whether or not parents talk about it, the children know their families are different from heterosexual families. Parents tell me that their children are noticing these differences at the age of two and even younger. Isn’t it better that they learn about those differences from you than from the brazen kids down the street or an opinionated daycare worker?
Homophobia is taught. Parents have the opportunity to ensure their children never learn it. Discussions about sexuality need not be heavy or intense, although sometimes they might be. By continually “coming out” to children and giving them permission to ask questions, parents pass on an amazing gift of shame-free sexuality that their children will take with them into adulthood.
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Originally published in the Rainbow Families Journal
As the newly out father of two teens whom I’m the guardian, I always enjoyed reading your column in Lavender. To get a sense of what my children might now be thinking about this new wrinkle in their lives (and about me) and what they might be thinking in the future is very reassuring.
My daughter, in particular, has had some interesting reactions. Whereas I am ready to identify myself to the world as gay (not in an obnoxious way–not my style–I’m much more subtle and low key), she is not. I put a rainbow HRC sticker on my car. She tore it off. The conversation about her reaction was very revealing to me. She quite emphatically and very articulately stated that her friends are not stupid, they know what a rainbow means. She went on: that although I am ready to identify as gay, she wasn’t ready. She innately understood that my identification meant her own, that just as her adoption from a Central American country made her otherwise all-white adoptive family a minority Hispanic family, my being gay made her a part of a minority gay family.
I know that her full acceptance will come with time–your articles promise me as much. In fact, just recently she was suspended from school for fighting. When I asked her why she slapped the boy, she said he had been teasing her friend, had called her a name that made her cry. I asked what the name was: lesbian. I take her altercation to not only be a defense of her friend, but also of me and the new family identity in which she has found herself.
Thank you for letting all us gay parents know through your life story that for the most part our kids do and will love us no less, that they consider us their fathers and mother regardless of out sexual identity. You give us all hope in the future.
Absolutely right.
It is vital that parents are as open and honest with their children as they can be. A child must fell that they can talk and ask whatever questions enter their head. The most important thing for a childs esteem is not to feel ashamed about who they are and where they come from.
My father never came out to me and I’m not totally convinced he ever fully accepted himself. Throughout my life I’ve felt wrong and that I shouldn’t be here. If I’m rational it’s stupid, but the feelings are real.
How can a child accept who they are if their parent(s) can’t. homophobia is definitely learned. I grew up in horribly homophobic bigotted environment. My step-father took great pleasure in running down gay people. One comment sticks in my mind. It went like this “gays are good in business because they are deeply unhappy in their lives.” now on one level it sounds like a compliment, but it isn’t. He was basically saying that they are ashamed of who they, so they are more driven to succeed in other aspescts of their lives.
Talk to children and make them proud of who they, not ashamed or frightened. Homophobic bullying will occur, it’s a sad fact of life. All a parent can do is to equip their child for it. people can deal with things if they themselves are secure in who they are.
[...] of same-sex couples will inherently know they have two moms or two dads, but as Garner again wrote: It’s not fair to assume that [children] understand that the word “gay” is attached to that [...]