Feb 11th, 2002
Don’t ‘Protect’ Me; Give Me Your Respect
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Growing up with a gay father wasn’t easy – but only because our society doesn’t accept families like mine
Article by Abigail Garner
To me, the seemingly benign question, “What do you do?” is anything but small talk. The stranger sitting next to me on a recent flight to southern California asked me that very question.
I could have made up an answer, just to avoid a potentially tense situation. But I answered honestly, “I’m an advocate for gay and lesbian families.” He looked confused so I gave him a little more information. “I talk and write about the experiences of children growing up with gay and lesbian parents.”
I travel frequently for my job, so I’ve been in this situation before. In the best cases, answering this question opens the door to a discussion, regardless of whether the person supports the idea of gay parents raising children.
But occasionally, the passenger next to me responds with silence. That’s what happened this time. He looked at me, blinked and then sat back in his seat, staring straight ahead. Finally he grabbed the magazine in the seat pocket in front of him and opened it. His body language, roughly translated, meant, “I did not buy a perfectly good seat on this airplane so that I could sit next to some lesbian.”
Or at least I’m guessing he thought I’m a lesbian. When I tell people what I do, most think I am. But for those who are open to talking with me, I usually reveal that I’m heterosexual. My dedication to gay and lesbian issues grew from the love and pride and rage and fear I experienced growing up in a “nontraditional” family.
When I was 5, my father came out as gay to his family and friends and moved in with another man. By the time I entered elementary school, I was learning about the cruelty of homophobia. “Faggot” was the favorite put-down among the boys in my class. I didn’t know what it meant until my parents explained that it was a mean way of saying someone was gay. Since my classmates seemed to be so hostile about gay people, I decided I should keep quiet about my family.
People who knew me then are surprised by my outspokenness. “Can’t you move on?” they ask. But I am driven to speak about my past because the consequences feel less risky now that I’m an adult. I no longer worry about people who might try to “protect” me from my father by taking me away from him. I don’t have to wonder every time we go out: is this the time he gets “caught”? I remember when I was about 8, I was walking down the street between my father and his partner and holding both of their hands. It felt dangerous, because by standing as a link between them I was “outing” them. What would happen if others realized my dad was gay? Would he lose his job? Get beaten up? Be declared an unfit parent?
While the threat of being separated from him was never real, I spent plenty of time worrying about it. Fortunately, my mother (who is heterosexual) made no attempt to limit my father’s custody rights. If she had, she probably would have gained full custody. Our courts have a history of favoring straight parents over gay ones in custody battles.
My parents did their best to make me feel good about where I came from. They told me that even though they were divorced and my dad was gay, we were no less valid than any other family. But they could do nothing about the abundance of negative messages about homosexuality that I interpreted as direct attacks on my family.
Why did so many people-including TV evangelists and talk-show guests-think that my dad was such a terrible person? They didn’t even know him. While my friends had monsters keeping them awake at night, I lost sleep over the anti-gay rhetoric spouted by right-wing politicians.
College marked a significant change in my life. The 1,500 miles between home and school gave me the distance I needed to figure out who I was, separate from my parents. I thought I had outgrown the label of “daughter from a gay family.” Soon after I graduated, however, I connected with a group of teens with gay and lesbian parents while volunteering for a youth organization. When I realized how similar their stories were to mine, I was inspired to start talking openly about my own experiences.
When I do speak, many people assume I’m a lesbian. And for those who don’t respect homosexuals, it’s the only reason they need to dismiss my arguments for gay rights. Once I identify myself as straight, however, I’ll watch their rigid, angry faces soften to ask me questions. I’ll see the handful of college students in the audience who were rolling their eyes sit up and listen. It gives me hope that they’ll hear my message: it wasn’t having a gay father that made growing up a challenge, it was navigating a society that did not accept him and, by extension, me.
Maybe my companion on that California flight would have been open to what I had to say if I had told him I’m straight. I’ll never know. As for the silence between us for the rest of the trip, I heard it loud and clear.
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© 2002 Newsweek. Reprinted with permission.
These letters to the editor were published in Newsweek in response to the above article.
Abigail Had Two Dads
Thanks to Abigail Garner for her wonderfully touching and right-on column, “Don’t ‘Protect’ Me; Give Me Your Respect” (My Turn, Feb. 11), about having a gay father. I hope it opens many people’s eyes and confronts them with their prejudices. Gay people are not monsters – we are just like everyone else. We go to church, pay taxes, fall in love and are committed to our relationships.
- Skip Houston, Laguna Beach, Calif.
I read the My Turn column by Abigail Garner, a straight woman advocating for gay rights. As the father of a gay son and an active member of PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), I, too, have noticed that when I speak to heterosexuals on gay issues and I reveal that I am straight, their attitude toward me changes noticeably. It is as if my not being gay gives my words more credibility. My sense of this phenomenon is that gays demanding equal rights are frequently perceived by unsympathetic straights as whining for special treatment, but a straight person arguing for the same gay rights is seen as credible simply because he is not gay. It is a sad but true observation. Like Garner, I have been accused of not being able to “move on” and stop being so outspoken. I can only answer that I will not rest until my gay son has the same rights and privileges (including marriage and its legal benefits) that my straight children enjoy simply because they are heterosexual.
- Michael E. Hinz, Mastic Beach, N.Y.
Now that we’ve heard from Abigail Garner advocating social acceptance of gay parenting, I’d like to hear from the other side. I’d like to hear from a man or woman who grew up with either two moms or two dads and didn’t like it one bit. I’d like to hear from adults who are angry that their childhoods were marred by having to participate in the social experiment of gay parenting. In today’s politically correct climate, we hear from those who advocate gay families but not from those who have had unhappy experiences. In the media’s eagerness not to offend liberal sensibilities, they may be offering a less than comprehensive picture of the pluses and minuses of growing up with a gay parent.
- Diana Bishop, Kentfield, Calif.
I read the Newsweek article this afternoon, learned the website address, said I’d write, and here I am. I’m 74, gay, living with a partner of 6 years here in Kansas City where I grew up. I came to Minneapolis from Kansas City in 1956 and lived there until 1990. I met my wife (deceased, 1993) in 1956. We were married in 1960 and together until she died from cancer. Our daughter, was born in 1962; she lives as a lesbian in St. Paul.
My wife was deeply interested in feminism, women’s rights, and as she became more aware that I was gay and later that our daughter was gay, deeply interested in gay rights. How she would have enjoyed talking with you!
I’m retired and spend my time reading, exercising in an effort to maintain my health, reading Newsweek, and finally writing letters like this one. I like to let persons like yourself know that “there is somebody out there” who is reading about and admiring what you are doing.
Maybe this is a fan letter. I’m not sure about that. It is certainly an effort to lend moral support, and acknowledge your work.
Congratulations! It’s very exciting to read your work in a national magazine like Newsweek. I’m always struck by the power and eloquence in your writing, and this column is no exception. Thank you for your work — it is appreciated by many, many people.
It’s fabulous, Abigail, congratulations!!! (I read it online, so I haven’t seen the photo yet.)
I hope you feel wonderful. You should.
Abigail, This is an extremely well thought out article. I applaud you for having the courage to confront this aspect of society and raise the issue amongst those of us who never had to *worry* about this. Excellent essay. I must say that you have done a lot to make me think about my preconceptions and learned attitudes.
Congratulations on getting into Newsweek. You’ve also given me a great way to silence a talkative seatmate when I just want to read my book! Thanks.
Hip, hip, hooray! I read it, it’s wonderful, what great coverage for an important issue, and do you believe the timing? The American pediatricians should send you flowers!
Love – pride – rage – fear. These are pretty powerful emotions. As I read your article I thought back to my parents. I certainly loved them, but didn’t have much pride in them because they were alcoholics. I didn’t experience rage or fear but I was embarrassed to bring my friends home … so I never did. I learned in college that alcoholism has a tendency to skip generations. I can see how that can happen because for many years I was “death against” alcohol because I saw first hand its devastating effect.
You are a very strong person to be able to speak about your life experiences. As a sociology major I remember the long discussions we had about heredity vs. environment. The debate rages on in today’s news as people debate about gay/lesbian couples adopting children. You are walking testamony that one can become a beautiful person … even with adversity from outside the family such as you have experienced. With the care and compassion you exhibit I know you will make a wonderful wife and mother … Wish I had another son!!!!
Thanks for writing that story. I really, really like it. Thank you too for your efforts, not many are willing to do that these days. So glad it’s published in Newsweek. They have a large audience.
Just a note to thank you for your column in Newsweek. Not only do I appreciate what you do in general, but I have used your column to initiate a discussion of my daughter’s experience growing up in a situation not unlike your own (my amicable ex-wife and my wonderful partner of nearly 22 years). My daughter, her husband and my partner and I are all very close, but this is an area which I haven’t really explored with her. I am grateful to you for this.
Again, many thanks — and keep up the good work!
As an older gay man I appreciated the telling of your personal story. It left me with a warm, nurturing feeling.
My niece’s office hired a new broker, a charming; young woman who dodged questions about family and background. Otherwise she was very out going and efficient. The break-through happened when this young woman happened to stop in Jen’s office and noticed she had a picture of Steve and I on her wall. The young woman asked who the men were. Jen answered – “oh, that’s my gay uncle and his lover. They’ve been together for 20 years.”
The young woman started to cry. As it happened she was the daughter of gay parents and had been afraid in North Carolina to share who her family really was. She told Jen that she was so glad there was now someone she could be herself around without judgement. The past Christmas Jen and this young woman took a trip and went to meet the girl’s father and his lover. Gay families like yours can even be extended by being open to honesty.
Therefore: Keep at it Abigail! I, for one, am proud of you and your fathers and particularly your mother for putting you first to me you have REAL family values. You will make life easier for countless young people and their parents across our country.
I just read your article in Newsweek. It was the best written and most articulate article I have ever read about the subject. It appears to me that you and your family are everything that is right about parenthood and learning the lessons of life. Tears came to my eyes when I read about what you had to go through growing up. What a world. I, too, know what it’s like to be treated like an outcast – I’m straight and living in San
Francisco (sorry, bad joke).
What I would give to sit in a meeting with you and Jerry Falwell and his ilk. It seems to me he would have no argument to present with the likes of you.
I am so impressed. You were as articulate and geniune as ever! You certainly have an incredible talent- it seems (in my opinion) by dedicating your efforts to writing about your life and the experiences of COLAGErs you truly are giving us a voice, making us more visible, and helping society to understand that we exist.
Your article was so well written and truly provided insight.
Submitted to Newsweek:
Thanks to Newsweek for publishing the real truth by Abigail Garner: “it wasn’t having a gay father that made growing up a challenge, it was navigating a society that did not accept him and, by extension, me.”
Religious right fanatics who mistakenly think they promote “family values” expend tremendous energy in undermining families they don’t understand, and to what avail? To hurt the very children they supposedly want to protect.
The same misguided effort is applied to criticizing the American Academy of Pediatrics’ statement supporting adoption by same-sex parents. The children are currently left unprotected by the law while frightened conservative right-wingers support policies that ultimately damage their families.
Sue Null
(supportive mom of gay and lesbian children)
I am grateful to you for both your article and your news letter. I just wanted to encourage you in your excellent and very necessary
work. Best wishes.
Thank you for the wonderful article in Newsweek. I too am the child of a gay father. I have been a speaker at a few events but would really like to expand that, it’s SOO important to get the word out.
You have such an incredible way with words. I look forward to reading your book one day! :-)
I most certainly could relate to the reactions of that guy on the plane. We get those same reactions sometimes when we tell people that our daughter has two mommies.
It sounds like you may have been sitting next to one of my ultra-conservative (and emotionally terrified) siblings on that airliner! It’s funny about those people who talk of “judgement day” (the Jesus Version) yet, judge those they don’t know? GOOD JOB!
Our church is on a five year thought process on whether to sanction ordination of gays. I have sat in on some of the discussions locally.
Articles like this might help to soften the hearts of the old guard who just can’t seem to accept the changes.
Congrats! It’s a nice piece–and I can practically feel the ice as this plane passenger turns away or as those college students freeze you with defensive stares. A few weeks ago, some folks at my church proposed changing our church’s constitution so that we can call a gay/lesbian pastor if we so choose. They were straight, they knew it was the right thing to do, and I didn’t have to summon the energy to take the initiative. In other words, I’m grateful for the work that straight folks such as yourself do on behalf of the rest of us. Here’s hoping the response to your piece is a thunderous applause. You deserve it.
So, when are you coming to Australia? I’d die to have a coffee with a colager!
Dear Abigail — Thank you very much for your fine article in Newsweek. I hope that you are successful in bringing about a change in thinking and more support and less bigotry toward GLBT families and individuals.
As a person with gay friends and a parent who knows that there are children in my kids’ classrooms and friendship circles who will suffer due to homophobia, I have also wondered what I can do to promote acceptance of gays in my community.
I would be very interested in reading your book when it is published. If you keep a list of people to notify, please add me to it. Otherwise, I will watch for it. All the best in your efforts.
Letter sent to Newsweek:
Thank you for the wonderful article by Abigail Garner. I to am a child of a openly gay father and she beautifully captured all the things we children face. It’s not only the father who ‘comes out’ to the community but the families as well. My father is just that MY FATHER and I’ve always loved him unconditionally, now, when he came out and always!
It’s to bad that is so hard for some people to understand. Thanks again for printing Abigail’s wonderful words…
My partner and I are in a terrible custody battle to keep his kids in relationship with us. The mother is trying to terminate visitation. Your article in newsweek was very inspiring. Thank you.
What a fine, strong piece of writing! Congratulations, Abigail. I’m forwarding this…
What a good article in NEWSWEEK. I thought it was so timely, coming out the very week that the Americxan pediatric Assos. came out with their support of GLBT families. Hurrah. Keep up the good work.
I enjoyed your Newsweek article quite a bit…you have a mature viewpoint for someone your age. Many young writers on this and similar topics give off a more obvious, whiney-liberal bent, and don’t bother to say much of anything beyond what you can learn from your average bumper sticker.
Reading your article was different because you speak with authority as a writer, and I don’t mean just because you have a gay dad. I liked your viewpoint and what you did with it, as well as of course what your had to say.
Beautifully written, to the point, and heartfelt. Thank you for your efforts.
We’ve never met, but I feel like I know you a little bit through your wonderful/moving Newsweek piece which I sent to my son, with whom you’ve been corresponding via e-mail. Thank you for taking the time to write the article–I cried when I read it (surprise!), as it was so right on the money and because voices like yours are so important and so little heard.
I found your web site a week or two ago and I applaud you and want to tell you what an inspiration you are. I had read your article in Newsweek back in Feb. and tried to find you after that. As a straight mother of two wonderful teens, whose father came out three years ago, I find you to be a true motivator and model for me.
I have had the biggest concern and fear for my children and you have helped me to understand it will be all right. I just read your “About Abigail” in tears as I can relate and feel for my own children Although they are accepting and fine with everything, I worry about other’s perceptions and reactions and want to do all I can to protect them from pain. I am a teacher and know the importance of education and would like to be an advocate to make the world more accepting and more understanding.
Enjoyed the NewsWeek article. You are not alone. There are many in this fight. Mazel Tov to you and your part of the battle!
Shalom,
Jay
I’m not certain, but I would bet that because I’m also an advocate for glbt families that others assume that I’m homosexual, or at least a very confused straight guy! Little do they know and sadly, will never know, who I am and why I stand for what I do.
Son of Gay Dad
i was reading this and it made me teary. i’m so glad you wrote this. what more can i say…
I just read your article and it is right on!!! I am going to pick up a copy of it this week to show my brother! Your words are priceless- Thank you for all of the work you do to educate people about our families! You are a rock star.
I liked it so much, I printed out a copy and put it in the teachers lounge just to test responses!!
In response to Diana Bishop, [see Comment posted March 1, 2002]
I am sure it would be easy to find children who grew up with gay or lesbian parents and hated them and had horrible experiences. However, I am loathed to accept these stories as support for preventing non-heterosexual persons from being parents. How many children of straight parents had horrible experiences? What of those who grow up with parents who abuse drugs or alcohol or are physically abusive? I believe that society offers a less than comprehensive view of the pluses and minuses of growing up with a straight parent. Sexual orientation does not determine your ability to be a loving and caring parent and I applaud Abigail for trying to spread this important message.
[...] My Newsweek commentary was awarded first place in the Editorial Category. Here’s the press release from NLGJA. NLGJA Announces 2002 Excellence in Journalism Award-Winners; Journalists Honored for Gay-Related Media Coverage [...]
[...] which describes growing up with a heterosexual mother and a gay father. She’s also written an excellent piece for Newsweek on her [...]