Article by Abigail Garner

I was five when my father left the house he and my mother had lived in and moved into his partner’s house just a couple of miles away. The following year, I was put in a support group at school for children whose parents were divorcing. It seemed that the facilitator’s goal was to make sure that we walked away with one concept: “It’s not your fault.”

It hadn’t even occurred to me that the divorce was “my fault.” I knew I had nothing to do with it. And, to the best of my memory, my father¹s departure from our home was a relief. As an out gay man, my father was able to put the energy he needed into being our dad instead of wasting his energy hiding his true self from us. My closeted father was a distant, unpredictable, emotional time bomb. When he came out, he became whole.

At group, we watched these special educational films with terrible acting and even worse scripts. The scripts typically involved kids trying to talk their parents into getting back together and the kids being reassured that it wasn’t their fault.

If it was “normal” for kids to think divorce was their fault, then wondered: Was I normal? I worried that the facilitator and my mother — a child development specialist — would notice that I didn’t think it was my fault and conclude that I was abnormal. Between feeling emotionally abnormal and feeling hesitant to talk about the real reason for the divorce, there wasn’t much I could say in group.

Some young kids do wonder if they had anything to do with their parents’ breakup, so telling them that the divorce isn’t their fault is an important message to share with them. The message that would’ve been more helpful for me, however, was, “It’s not your responsibility.”

My anxiety about the breakup wasn’t about the actual divorce, but about all the issues that arose as a result of the divorce. I wish I’d known it wasn’t my responsibility to worry about how the heating bills were going to get paid, since there were now two households to maintain. I wish I’d known it wasn’t my responsibility to try to minimize tensions between my mother and my father’s partner. And I wish I’d known it wasn’t my responsibility to protect my family from the big, bad world that might do who-knows-what after finding out that my daddy is gay.

Parents breaking up — whether they’re of the same sex or the opposite sex– is an issue between the two adults. Unfortunately, children inevitably get wrapped up into it. But making sure kids know that a divorce isn’t their fault isn’t enough. They also need to know that any issues that arise as a result of the divorce are also for the grown-ups, not them, to deal with.

That’s the part I wish someone had told me that when I was six. It took me a long time to figure out on my own.

Originally published in Lavender Magazine.

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