Jun 14th, 2001
Happy Father’s Day
- Commentary by Abigail Garner
Lorna Benson: This coming Sunday is Father’s Day. For commentator Abigail Garner, the holiday brings with it some challenges.
Abigail Garner: Once again, I am shuffling through the rows and rows of greeting cards for Father’s Day. I am almost certain I won’t find what I’m looking for. Actually, I already have a card for my biological father.
The card I am still looking for is for Russ, my “other father” as I sometimes refer to him. Russ has been in my life since I was five years old. Back then, I safely referred to him as my father’s roommate. As I got older, I grew more comfortable referring to him as my father’s lover. And somewhere along the way, the current term, “partner” became most accepted.
How ever I have described Russ over the years, he has always been an important part of my life. And I use Father’s Day as an opportunity to tell him. But I’m pretty certain he already knows, because, as in other gay families, having to explain or justify what we mean to each other can be an every day occurrence.
You see, Russ and I have been “family” to each other for the past 23 years. I am used to declaring our relationship to almost everyone I meet because neither law nor society officially recognizes us as family. Because of that lack of recognition, issues that heterosexual families take for granted can become nightmares for gay families.
Our families have to create extra legal documents to make sure that we are protected in issues of custody, property and inheritance that are automatic in heterosexual families. In the event of a medical emergency, our families can only cross our fingers that we will encounter hospital staff who understand our definition of family and will allow us access to our loved ones. Those are just two examples of how children with gay and lesbian parents are continually reminded that our society questions the validity of our families.
And then there are less major, although just as annoying challenges, like finding an appropriate greeting card for my father’s partner on Father’s Day.
There is that small but growing section of cards under the heading “like a father” intended for mentors, uncles and male role models. But most refer to the like-a-father person as a substitute for an absent father, rather than a complementary parental unit to the father I already have.
If we relied on greeting cards to represent a cross section of our society, you’d never guess that there are more than 10 million children growing up with one or more parents who are gay or lesbian. I have yet to see a greeting card that begins with “For my second mother,” or “For my daddy and my papa.”
How long will it be until I can shop for TWO cards for Father’s Day without the annual reminder that my family is considered to be “alternative”? Then again, will it really be a victory when I can rely on a greeting card company to tritely summarize my relationship with Russ?
For now, these questions remain hypothetical as families like mine still linger quietly in the background of American society. And that’s why, at that age of 29, I’m facing another year where I will be pulling out the construction paper and markers to create another customized Father’s Day card. Just for my Russ.
Lorna Benson: Commentator Abigail Garner is creator of the website, FamiliesLikeMine.com.
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Aired on All Things Considered
Minnesota Public Radio, June 14, 2001
Thank you for sharing!
Abigail, thanks so much for writing that. It feels good to know how society is becoming (slowly) more accepting of gay people. I am having struggles with my youngest child right now, he is 11 and does not want to be with me. I have some talking to do with him, his mother is no help. Maybe I will write to you soon
bless you,
Mike
I listened to your commentary tonight at 5:55 and wow, you did an outstanding job. You made me so very proud. Congrats on a great job.
Best wishes to you.
I am not a good judge of when something is going to overwhelm me so much that I become a blubbering idiot. My husband and I listened through your fine essay on MPR, which I sensed very early might be by you.
Best wishes to you; it was a lovely essay, beautifully delivered.
You sounded terrific. Way to go! (Bet your dads are proud)
I caught your piece on MPR last night. It was wonderful!
We (three kids and I) heard it as we were on our way to my daughter’s softball game. “That’s Abigail!” my son shouted. We listened intently… Sometime during the commentary, the kids said “She should just make him a card herself, like we do!” just about then you talked about getting out the markers and the paper! It was exciting to hear you, and the kids are proud to have their “voices” represented. Thank you for all you do!
I did hear you on MPR and was surprised! At first I didn’t recognize your voice, but I thought the story sounded familiar. So I paid more attention and figured out it had to be you (then at the end they said your name again!).
Excellently done. Your piece was well written and you have a great radio voice: clear, sure and confident. You should do more.
I heard you on MPR last night. I respect your sane and compassion-centered views. I just wanted to say how impressed I was with your on air effectiveness. Many of the writers I hear read essays on MPR sound exactly like they are reading from their scripts. Not quite stilted, but portraying a clear if mild discomfort with the medium or the microphone. Anyway, you were a natural.
It was fantastic to hear your voice on the radio. Congrats for this milestone. Will they offer periodic spots in the future? You come across to clear, sensible, and coherent.
O, that our national leader could do the same. And have a similar agenda!
I flipped on the radio just in time last night. Just wanted to voice (write) my appreciation and admiration, it was great. And I love that you could read it aloud, it really humanized the message.
Hi.. I read your article about how difficult it is to find a Father’s Day card for your other dad. I must say that I find most Hallmark cards are syrupy and trite anyway. Why not get both your fathers a blank card and write your own message? It’ll mean so much more to them than relying on some card writer somewhere to express your feelings.
I’m writing to you to say that I heard you on MPR the other day, and as always, was very impressed. Your piece on the fathers day card was excellent.
It was nice to hear someone I actually know (!) on the radio. (My brush with fame)
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