May 4th, 2001
Consider the Straight Spouse When Leaving a Marriage
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Article by Abigail Garner
When I first connected with the networks of GLBT parents over six years ago, the groups consisted mostly of same-sex couples. Their young children were brought into their families through adoption and alternative insemination. Surrounded by these newer families, my story of being born to a heterosexual marriage and having a parent come out after my birth seemed like a thing of the past.
At 22, I felt like a historian, telling a tale of yesteryear, back when gay people were known to marry someone of the opposite sex. (Straight Spouse Network founder Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., refers to these family situations as “mixed-orientation” marriages.)
Then the various networks of LGBT families began to collaborate more closely. The older networks of currently and formerly married LGBT parents started to become as visible as the two-mommy/two-daddy families. This, in turn, has helped even more mixed-orientation families seek out resources.
I have since learned that LGBT people continue to marry for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they are not fully aware of their sexuality before they marry. Sometimes they hope that with a lot of prayer and faith they will “change.” Sometimes they want to be parents so badly and they simply aren’t aware of alternative ways to becoming one.
When a LGBT person leaves a marriage, it can be tempting to avoid thinking about how the straight spouse might be feeling. Looking at what a straight spouse is going through threatens to be quite a buzz-kill for the otherwise euphoric experience of finally coming out.
As difficult as it might be to face, it is to the advantage of LGBT communities to support straight spouses. If spouses can move through their anger and get to the point of acceptance and advocacy, they become powerful allies. Without the support, however, they can become angry and vocal opposition. This risk is even more toxic when there are children involved, and the angry straight parent fills the children’s minds with homophobia.
A great place to find support for straight spouses is the Straight Spouse Network, a chapter-based, volunteer-run nonprofit organization. Over 50 members marched together at the Millennium March on Washington last year. Another resource is The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families by Buxton. So valued by straight spouses, this resource is sometimes referred to simply as “The Book.” Buxton is currently working on additional research, which further explores mixed-orientation couples who choose to stay married.
If you are married and have come out to your spouse (or if you are about to), having compassion for their experience will mean less hostility in the long run. If you are also a parent, support for your soon-to-be-former spouse will result in more stable and consistent relationships with your children.
Children born into mixed-orientation marriages are still not a thing of the past. Fortunately for families that are going through the coming out process these days, a growing network of support is available.
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Originally published in Lavender Magazine.
I would like to add to this article, that the mixed orientation couples community is still growing as more and more gblt folks come out, some are deciding that their marriages are solid.. that the issues faced when one spouse comes out can be worked through as long as both spouses share the common commitment for the marriage and one another.
I have been married now for 24 years to a gay man. I found out after 17 years of marriage. It was quite a shock…. and since then we have gone through quite a few changes, but what remains intact is our love for one another and our desire to grow old together.
hugs
trill
Hi Trillian,
I am faced with my husband of 26 yrs coming out to me and our children. He currently is seeing another man. We are still married, and living together. I am hurt and confused, and have lived in denial for some time. Does traditional counseling help in these matters? In your situation, have you accepted his lover(s) into your life as an open marriage? This is all new to me…please excuse me if I have said something inappropiatly, I mean no disrespect. I simply do not know what to do next. His relationship is moving forward. And I really don’t know where that leaves me. He have talked alot…with no real answers.
Hi Terri — My experience of counselling has been that it very much depends on the counsellor; they are human too :) As to whether one can accept his lovers, it depends very much on the individuals concerned. Some of the men my husband has seen have become friends to me, others have not. As with the counsellor, it depends on the indviduals involved. What helped me to move forward most was to try and put myself in my husband’s shoes. I honestly think that if I were the one who realised that they were gay, that I would have explored this without telling my husband in order to make sure that I was sure before I said anything. Some would say that was dishonesty. But if I imagine myself in his situation, I don’t think I would have done differently. As with so many things in life, seeing the other’s point of view is a growing experience; if you can both do that then I am sure that you will find a way to forge a new and stronger love for each other, what ever form it may take. Hugs, Gilda
Friends, in July 2005 my husband of (then) 19 years came out after I found evidence on the computer of his cruising for hooksup. After coming out he did become sexually active and was not able to tell me about it all for many months. He is still active, but not hooking up with strangers. We have to deal with the safety of this for our marriage. I have met and have learned to appreciate the men that he loves, who have helped him become a much happier and whole person. The days of depression and anger are gone. The days of rejecting me sexually are gone as well. Three of us couples meet as often as busy lives and distance can allow, and a group of married gay men gather monthly for support and fun. Most are not out to their wives, but we knowing wives will be there for them when they come to learn about their husbands. I don’t know what I would have done without the online and face-to-face community of wives of gay men called Alternatepath. Certainly therapy helps with a person who is not homophobic or prejudice against mixed orientation marriages. We see the same person but separately, and hear that we each want the same thing ultimately, to remain married. Now the task is to reshape our relationship and understanding of what it means for us to be married and intimate, we have learned to be honest, compassionate, and patient. HUGS, Paula
Hi,
I have been married to my wife for almost twelve years and she left me for another woman last fall. She intended to keep her affair a secret and blame our marrital break up entirely on me. I stumbled across phone messages, dicovered the affair and later she confessed. I do not blame her for her sexual desires but I do blame her for the disolution of our marriage simply because she didn’t try to resolve any issues. I suppose this is because she was no longer interested in a heterosexual marriage. I say suppose because she won’t discuss any details with me. I can’t believe what I so frequently hear from web sites, that all you people are living with open marriages, free to have sex with people other than your spouse. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, a holy sacrament and an oath to eachother to be faithful.
There are only two ways to deal with this sickness, either the spouse that wants to be unfaithful with people of the opposite sex refrains from acting on personal desires and you remain married and commited or you get divorced and move on.
My wife has chose to act on her deviant desires, loose her faith and everything she has ever pretended to be and we will get divorced from the results. If you detect bitterness in my voice, it’s because it’s there. I am working on and eventually will forgive her for what she has done to my family but my forgiveness is not going to save her soul. I pray that we will receive guidance in raising our child and direct his soul properly. Open marriages are not natural, honest or accepted by God. All these secular, made made rules will catch up to all who engage before you know it. I hope that I have reached out to someone battleing this decision. The real reason for an open marriage is selfishness. Both parties are willing to live lies just to keep someone with them and not accept what they know is the correct way to live their life. My wife makes excuses about religion now saying that the church is hipocrytical and the bible is interpreted in too many ways. This problem is clearly defined in both the church and the bible. So let it be understood clearly, if you deviate from God’s plan due to selfish desires, there will be no convincing God of interpretations on judgement day.
I have knowingly been married to a gay man for 10 years. We both want our marriage to work, but he is suffering so badly. We have small children and want to put them first by staying together. We don’t often fight over the issue, but really don’t know where to go from here. I have never believed in an”open” marriage in the past, but I also don’t want to see my partner suffer and also don’t want my children to go through a divorce. Does anyone know of any long term relationships (past 10 years) that have worked in a mixed orientation situation?
Thanks!
Margie
My husband of 18 years came out to me on June 13th 2006 at 7:10 PM, at the dinner table after our daughters had left the room. I read the Buxton book, I read the Haworth study. I am not someone that will settle for an “open” marriage. If it is “open” it isn’t marriage to me. Not the kind of relationship I want. Maybe it’s my husbands incredible selfishness that sickens me the most. I am denying him the opportunity to explore his sexuality. For better or worse in sickness and in health, FORSAKING all others, even if that means your ultimate sexual satisfaction is achieved through masturbation. Pardon my vitiole but I think I’m finally mad enough. He moved out on April 1st at my request. I commend all who have found a way to make it work for themselves. I would rather be alone than sacrifice my love on the altar of together at all costs. One of the best gifts in life is to know when to leave. I have been a supporter of gay rights all my life and actually defended glbt folks to my now gay husband who at one time embraced a more fundamentalist view of things. I still believe there is a love out there for me. I still believe there are straight men out there. One word to the gay community- Be straight with us and please DON’T be straight with us.
signed-
A strong straight woman who knows what time it is.
I have just under 2000 responses to questionnaires I set up nearly two years ago from males and females, straight and gay, who have been in a relationship or marriage, the majority still married, some divorced or separated. Their stories are to be seen on my site, some positive, some negative, many haunting. URL:www.marriedgay.org
The purpose of the site is two fold - to help those who are already in a relationship, whether straight or gay, and to advise those thinking of marriage to be sure they are being honest with themselves and with their partners to be.
The sad fact is that in most parts of the world, there are enormous pressures on people to marry regardless of their sexuality, the worst offenders being families (especially parents), religious organisations, our peers and society in general.
We live in hope of reducing the numbers of mixed orientation marriages and therefore the pain that accompanies them, but frankly, there is little hope, even in an enlightened society.
I divorced my husband of 16 years 6 months ago. I am still quite angry because so much of his past behavior now makes sense. i caught him after I installed software on our home computer to monitor his emails. I always suspected and confronted him many times. To all of you out there, don’t give me this b.s. that you are suffering inside repressing your sexuality. No one, I repeat, no one has the right to take a person’s life and deceive them and steal their lives. My husband pursued me and for what? I lost 4 pregnancies before I finally had two children because I thought it was important to him. And guess what? When he met the guy of his dreams he forgot about everything. Isnt that nice. I fail to feel sympathy for him. he did it, not me. After all, over the years I asked him many times and he always accused me of being crazy and having visions. Go figure! Now, after all my trust has been violated, it’s going to take a miracle for me to start over. Understanding? Feeling sorry? I think not. He lost no time, he had his lover ready to go. He has left me to pick up the pieces and start over all alone.
I am a bisexual woman and have been with my gay/bi husband for 14 years, and we are very much in love. I knew of his orientation long before we got married, and we have had an honest relationship from the start. Before we married, I let him know that it was very important to me that while I understood his feelings, we were to have a monogamous relationship, and we do. We have regular sex and a great friendship. People need to understand that sexuality isn’t a black and white issue–he is attracted mostly to men and some to women, and I am attracted 60% to men and about 40 to women. WHo is to say what is right for all people?
Rosa i’m sorry for your hardship of 16ys of marriage, I too have been marriage for 19yrs and my wife want her own space to find out what she wants without me. I have possible done everything I could do for her even if I let her do what she wanted without me. I am heart broken know, I too don’t know how I will put my life back together.
good luck
Frank consulo
the key is trust and honesty. Without this, how can a marriage survive? How can I begin to trust again? Do I even want to trust him again?
My husband of 17 years just told me two nights ago, and I am currently desperately looking for help. I love him so much, that at this point, I cannot see my life without him. He is willing to go to a therapist, and we have an appointment early next week. He is also going to attend a support group for men with his same condition. I have been trying to reach someone, but right now, I feel broken hearted. This is the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with, and to whom I have been a faithful wife. I am just so hurt that I have no room for anything else in my heart at this point. I literally feel as if I was diying. If someone has some direction, please tell me. I left a voice mail and an email to the straigth spouse network contact in my area, and it might be due to anxiety that I think it is taking too long to answer! Help, please! Destroyed and broken hearted!!
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