Feb 9th, 2001
Valentine’s Day and the Double Standard
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Article by Abigail Garner
I was 23 years old the only time I ever saw Dad and Russ kiss in public. We were at a theater for an evening of one acts that was running later than anticipated. At one of the intermissions, Russ decided to leave early, but Dad and I stayed. Russ gave me a quick goodbye kiss. Then he turned to Dad and kissed him, too.
When I saw this, the hair on the back of my neck bristled and I quickly looked around. I was prepared to attack or defend — I didn’t know which. Dad and Russ froze for a second, also looked over their shoulders and then chuckled when they realized what had just happened.
Luckily, nobody in the theater crowd seemed to notice or care. But I knew that if that same kiss had occurred on the sidewalk outside of the theater rather than in the lobby, my parents might have been risking their safety.
Growing up with this kind of awareness makes it hard for me to partake in Valentine’s Day without feeling like my membership card to the queer community will be revoked. This holiday is the ultimate expression of heterosexual privilege.
I am fully aware that as a straight person, I can go to whatever restaurant I want and reach across the table, squeeze my date’s hand, give him a smooch, and gaze into his eyes without even thinking about looking over my shoulder. But same-sex couples who want to go out for a romantic evening have to plan ahead to find a restaurant where they will feel safe to freely squeeze, smooch, and gaze without facing hostility.
The day after Valentine’s Day, newspapers across the country will inevitably print photos of opposite-sex couple embracing, kissing, and exchanging wedding vows. Most readers will think nothing of it. Yet when newspapers run a photograph of a same-sex couple for an article about the gay marriage controversy, letters to the editor stream in from offended readers.
Although this double standard is most noticeable around the hype of Valentine’s Day, it happens all year round. For example, Al Gore can practically lick his wife’s tonsils at the Democratic convention with millions watching, and that’s an expression of family values. But a same-sex couple publicly engaged in a much milder version of the same activity is accused of flaunting their sexuality.
After Russ left the theater that night, my fight-or-flight instinct began to fade. Then I felt angry and saddened when I realized that, regardless of how out and proud my family might be, when we are in public, our guard is still up.
Future victories such as passing domestic partnership laws, having a choice to marry, and lifting adoption bans will be important milestones in the struggle for equality for GLBT people.
But just because laws change doesn’t mean that homophobic mentalities change at the same pace. How our community is accepted and perceived by the broader society will continue to be measured by something as basic as a spontaneous kiss.
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Originally published in Lavender Magazine.
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Footnote: Coincidentally, on the day this column was released, Editor and Publisher reported that 350 readers of the Roanoke Times had canceled their subscriptions. The cancellations were in protest of the paper running a series called “Living Gay.”
According to the Editor and Publisher article, one cancellation letter said, “We do not need photographs of homosexuals kissing in our newspaper. I was mortified.”
Thank you so much for your wonderful articles in Lavender. Your column is the first one I read every time. You have a great family which has given you so much incite. Keep up the great work.
This is a great article Abigail. I’ve had several similar experiences and it’s sad that even I have been conditioned to not accept my mother’s love for her partner (in public). The conditioning runs deep, the struggle, long…
You have hit several nails right on the head and I hope that it receives a VERY wide audience. Unfortunately, even if the right people read it, they wouldn’t believe and absorb the message about how their hatred hurts our lives. It is comforting to see more and more states legislate protection for g/l/b/t people, but it’s just not moving fast enough to suit me.
Tonsillectomy: Thanks for this image. I had forgotten about this special moment in U.S. history.
Anyone who lives in Maine should check out the Walk With The One You Love day. Lots of couples, straight and gay, walking openly hand in hand and kissing like it was the most normal thing to do. More of these events would do wonders all across America!
I recently bought several of the Hallmark “Kiss Kiss” bears to give to friends for Valentine’s Day. Of course they are designed so only opposite “sex” bears can kiss - the magnets in their little bear noses are sewn in so that the magnets in two girls bears will repel. I turned one of the magnets over in one of the girls’ noses and the same with one of the boy bears. I gave the girl bears that now “kiss” to a friend and her girlfriend this weekend and they were thrilled. They had just been discussing that they were sure that Hallmark designed the bears so girl bears could only kiss boy bears. I’m just proud to have gotten around the corporate heterosexism…. And I have a couple of friends in Louisiana who will be receiving a pair of kissing boy bears in the mail this week…..
I agree wholehearedly that it is an outrage that homosexual couples feel that they can not express their love in the same way as heterosexual ones. I also support the view that same sex couples are given the same rights as heterosexual ones. Afterall love is love, however it is expressed. Thankfully, in Britain, equal status has been recently granted.
I also feel that the continued promotion, of the view, that homosexuality is somehow abnormal, will lead to more gay people feeling the need to conceal their sexuality. People must be open and honest about who and what they are. Many gay people try and “cure” their homosexuality by forming heterosexual relationships. This not only makes their own lives miserable, but also the lives of their partners. There is also the problem of children that come from such relationships. I know that a great deal of my own emotional and psychological problems stem from the dishonesty of my mother and fathers marriage.
Danny Crosby
P.S.
I think that Valentines day is just a load of commercial BS. If you love someone you should show that to them everyday, not just on February the 14th.
My partner and I have been together for 2 years now, and my sons, 4 and 7 are used to us showing affection. When I was ’straight,’ this was more than appropriate — it was demanded from society! Now that I am in a same-sex couple, I see that ‘normal’ affection is seen as inappropriate by many parts of society, even gay people themselves!
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