Article by Abigail Garner

Children born to lesbian parents by way of alternative insemination are frequently asked, “Which one is your real mom?” They commonly respond by saying, “They both are.”

While the question is really asking about which mom shares a biological link with the child, answering that they are both real moms addresses the question at a much deeper level. This response points out two important truths. First, that the two moms share equal parenting roles, and second, that the biological link has minimal significance in defining the family.

These truths become even more important if a couple ends their relationship to each other. According to the nonprofit advocacy organization COLAGE (Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere) the “divorce” rate of same-sex parents is equal to that of heterosexual parents. Sadly, sometimes when a lesbian-parent household breaks up, the biological parent uses the homophobic legal system to her advantage, denying visitation to the non-biological parent.

A case now under way in New York is examining custody procedures that currently favor the biological mother. The non-biological mother has been granted temporary visitation for four hours each week until the court makes its final decision. Until this temporary agreement was granted just recently, the non-biological mom had not seen her children since November.

According to ABC News, Monroe Mann, the lawyer for the biological mother was quoted as saying, “The law in New York is very clear. Only a parent can get visitation. A parent is defined as either the biological or adoptive parent and [her ex-partner] is neither.”

The young children, raised to believe that “love makes a family” are witnessing one of their mothers participate in the desecration of the values on which they have been raised.

While there have been some victories for non-biological parents, standards vary from state to state. Last spring, for example, the New Jersey Supreme Court granted custody rights to a non-biological mother, declaring her a “psychological” parent. This happened, however, only after a lengthy (not to mention expensive) legal process.

LGBT activists have worked to show broader society that even if laws don’t respect our families, we will. Honoring this commitment is put to the ultimate test when a same-sex parents break up.

With this in mind, last year a collaboration of LGBT organizations created a practical document for parents and prospective parents. Known as “Protected Rights: Standards of Child Custody in Same-Sex Relationships“the authors represent groups including Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders in Boston, Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, National Center for Lesbian Rights, and Family Pride Coalition.

The collaboration justifies the need for such a document in their introduction that explains: “It is extremely damaging to our community and our families when we disavow as insignificant the very relationships for which we are seeking legal and societal respect.”

Planning a custody agreement in the event of a break up is about as fun as writing a will. But similar to having a will, such a document provides peace of mind. The decisions, made at a time when emotions and common sense are in tact, will be decisions based on the best interest of the children, even if the unthinkable happens.

It’s a promise that together or separated, biologically-linked or not, both moms are — and always will be — their children’s real moms.

Originally published in Lavender Magazine

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