Article by Abigail Garner

Even though Kathryn is a parent, last Mother’s Day she went to church by herself. When members asked about her son, she said he was with his other parent. Questions did not go beyond that, but Kathryn knew people thought it was unusual that her child was not spending Mother’s Day with her.

What they did not know is that Kathryn, a transsexual, is her son’s biological father. The custody agreement mandates that Kathryn’s son is with her on Father’s Day, not Mother’s Day.

How are Mother’s Day and Father’s Day — two very gender-specific days — observed in families where parents’ genders are not so specific? Here are a few perspectives from families that include a transsexual or transgender parent who was born biologically male.

“Mother’s Day can be very traumatic for male-to-female transsexuals.” Kathryn commented, “For some it’s because their own moms won’t have anything to do with them. For others, it’s because they’re not being recognized as a mom. I consider myself a mom although I am my son’s biological father.”

Barbara is transgender, and is also the biological father to a 28-year-old daughter. While she was pleased when her daughter wished her a Happy Mother’s Day this year, Barbara is typically celebrated as a parent on the third Sunday in June. She says, “I have a great love for Father’s Day, because it gives me a chance to reflect on my masculine side.”

Renee, a straight mother, is divorced from her child’s transsexual father. She and her former spouse do not specify custody on Mother’s Day. She explained, “My daughter visits her other parent every other weekend, so it’s the luck of the draw who she is with on that ’special day’. This year she was with her transsexual father.”

While they do this to try to minimize their daughter’s anxiety, unintentional difficulties still arise. “My daughter brought home a gift she had made at school,” Renee said, “and my [current] husband asked her which mom she was going to give the gift to. She told him she didn’t know. He told her ‘Remember, you only have one real mother.’”

Renee’s husband didn’t mean his statement to be hurtful. Renee explained, “My daughter felt bad, my husband felt worse. Anyway, no one is perfect. We are still learning and growing.”

Seventeen-year-old Lina has a father who has been living as a woman for almost a year. Like Renee, Lina also chooses to minimize the significance of the day. She emailed her thoughts from her home in Germany.

“On Mother’s Day,” she explained, “I didn’t even think about [my dad]. I’ve got quite a good relationship with her, so that’s not the reason. I don’t think she expected me to do anything about it. She’s not my mother and will never be that, because I’ve got one already. I say she is my Papa-Freundin, which means my Dad/female friend.”

Like Lina’s appreciation for the relationship with her Papa-Freundin, Kathryn emphasizes how fortunate she feels to have maintained a relationship with her son. Too often, she points out, coming out as transgender or transsexual results in the end of relationships with family members. Although her young son innocently gives her stereotypically masculine greeting cards on Father’s Day, Kathryn feels that pushing him to acknowledge her as a mom would be counterproductive.

She says she hopes her patience will pay off, explaining, “I put on my air of indifference and wait for the day when he’s older and chooses to recognize me on Mother’s Day. That will be the best gift my child could ever give me.”

Originally published in Lavender Magazine.
Reprinted in Outlines

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