May 5th, 2000
Happy Mother’s Day to My Favorite Librarian
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Article by Abigail Garner
Last summer, my brother’s seven-year-old son, Liam, received the book Daddy’s Roommate. It is a simple children’s story about divorce. In the story, a gay dad moves in with his “roommate,” and the mom and dad maintain an amicable relationship.
This story is strikingly close to my own upbringing. Looking at the illustration of the family singing around the piano, I can almost hear my own family belting out a tune from A Chorus Line or Cats.
Inside the copy of the book given to Liam was a handwritten message: “This family is like the one your dad grew up in when he was a little boy your age.”
My nephew received this gift from an unwavering ally who knows the positive impact a book like this can have on a child. That ally is his grandmother, my mother. She was married to my dad for 15 years.
I like to say that my mom is one of the most powerful people in the world because she is an elementary school librarian. She has made it part of her role to see that books on GLBT families and youth are ordered and made accessible. As a result, she must fend off questions and even hostility from staff and parents who are opposed to the school’s budget being used to buy such books.
She has not been deterred. Much of what fuels her tenacity are the quiet “thank-you’s” and supportive nods she gets from the single parents who visit the school accompanied by a nebulous “friend” of the same gender.
Growing up, I took my mother’s pro-gay attitude for granted. It was not until I became an adult that I truly appreciated what she did for my brother and me. Now, I hear about painful custody battles in which children feel torn between a straight parent and a GLBT parent.
I recognize that the choices my mother made in our best interest were far from easy–especially since it was in the mid-1970s. Back then, there were no role models, no support networks, and just a handful of inaccurate, so-called “scientific” books about homosexuality.
My brother and I were fortunate to have the mother we did when Dad came out. Mom ignored recurring advice to keep her children away from their homosexual father. She respected our right to maintain a positive relationship with our dad, and did not speak negatively about him in our presence.
This does not mean that she was not hurt or angry, but she was careful not to let her own feelings influence how my brother and I felt about our father. A generation later, my mom is just as committed to helping her grandson — and other school children his age — learn about homosexuality without shame.
Mom, thank you for teaching me so much about love, integrity, and justice. They are lessons that will last a lifetime. Happy Mother’s Day.
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Originally published in Lavender Magazine
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NOTE: Advocate Columnist Jonathan Capehart read this article and subsequently wrote “A Song for Unsung Heroes” to honor my mother’s commitment as an ally.
We are going have trouble sharing the depth of the feelings which each of us felt as we read Abigail’s article pertaining to the book Daddy’s Roommate. What a wonderful, loving, caring, and straight from the heart tribute.
The love, integrity, and justice which Abigail has assimilated into her life and is reflected in this article could help so many families through difficult times, regardless of the nature of the difficulties they face.
Her message can be life changing to anyone who dares to listen.
Clarice and Ed
I read your mother’s day article and it meant alot to me. Your mother and I live in somewhat “parallel universes”. I am a children’s librarian at a public library in a conservative community. I have tried to allow my daughter and her transgender “father” to develop their own relationship. I do have a fairly good relationship with my ex but occasionally strong negative feelings do surface. It was good to read about your mom and her feelings… and how she didn’t let them interfere with your relationship with your father. It made me feel better about my own feelings, it gave me “permission” to experience them (without guilt). I don’t feel quiet so “alone”. Thank you for writing the article. I am looking forward to reading future articles.
I read the article about you in Advocate. I am a gay man with children that are 10 and 8. I am recently divorced and living with what I hope to be my life partner. The children visit us monthly and stay for extended periods over the summer and on school breaks. They love being with us and I know that they really love being with my partner also.
I have debated over the fact about telling them what is happening in my life and why the family that they knew is no longer. I honestly don’t think that this will be a problem for they know that the love them more than anything. What I want them to know is that there are different types of love and that none of them are wrong. I want them to see that just because we are two men, in love, that should not make a difference. Is this thinking unreasonable?
Please keep up the great work. Thank you for listening….
Saw the article mentioning your work in The Advocate. Congratulations!
Your parents must be extremely proud. Keep up the great work and don’t let the right wingers get you down.
Like your mom, I am an elementary school librarian. I am also a gay man. I have found it a challenging task to find good titles to add to my library, especially for upper elementary readers.
I read about you in The Advocate. Congratulations.