Article by Abigail Garner

Sometimes when grown children of LGBT parents are described as “well-adjusted,” it is actually a euphemism for “heterosexual.” When those words are used interchangeably, the real translation is: “Whew! Close call! All that queer influence, yet their straightness prevailed! Victory!”

Contrary to what some LGBT parents may want to believe, some sons and daughters will also come out as LGBT. Although I am straight — not “Second Generation” as they have come to be known — I am addressing this issue because it taps into internalized homophobia that is harbored by even some of the most out and proud families.

It is not uncommon for kids to feel pressured by their own LGBT parents to identify as straight. These parents buy into the homophobic notion that they have “failed” if their children also identify as LGBT, and that they have redeemed themselves (but only a little) if their kids turn out straight. The fear is that evidence of a second generation would not fair well under the scrutiny of anti-gay policy makers, ultimately hurting the rights of all LGBT people who want to raise children.

Ironically, LGBT parents who become preoccupied with their children’s sexual orientation end up forfeiting the opportunity to draw from their own life experiences to offer LGBT children supportive, non-judgmental coming out processes.

Dan Cherubin is a gay son of a lesbian mom. Founder of the New York- based organization Second Generation, Dan was once told by a lesbian mom that, by being gay, he was her “worst nightmare.” He has since heard similar sentiments from other parents.

“That so bewilders me,” Dan reflected. “It’s definitely a way to polarize the community. Gay people, of all people, should know it’s not something we choose.”

Dan says that coming out as second generation can be particularly challenging not only because of the added stigma they may face, but also because of conflicting levels of “outness” among family members. Some out LGBT kids have a strong sense that a parent is not straight, but the parent remains in the closet. Conversely, some kids aren’t yet out to their LGBT parents because they are not sure how they will react.

Family rights activist Ryn Gluckman was outspoken about having a lesbian mom before she came out herself. When she was perceived as straight as a young adolescent, she felt she had more leverage to speak out on behalf of her family. On coming out, she explained, “I lost political power as a queer daughter of a lesbian mother in the eyes of both the mainstream and my own community. In the eyes of the religious right, and in some queer eyes too, I am the worst thing that can happen.”

For parents concerned about their children facing the same pain and struggles they may have experienced with their own sexual orientation, it might be helpful to know that second generation children frequently have an advantage over their LGBT peers who have straight parents.

Ryn commented on that advantage, explaining, “I gain a new analysis of what it means to be queer; sort of a longer vision that includes generational wisdom. Between my mother and me there is now a sort of cross-generational give and take; both of us teaching and learning from one another about how to persevere in the face of adversity.”

If you are a parent whose child has also come out, or if you are beginning to see hints of queerness in your children, please relax. Give them the space you wish you had had to figure things out in your own way and in your own time.

Don’t worry about how homophobic people will judge you with respect to “recruiting” or making kids “turn” gay. Homophobic people are going to judge you anyway, so let it go. The opinions that really matter are those of your kids, who will hopefully thank you someday for supporting them as they discovered their own path.

Originally published in Alternative Family Magazine;
Reprinted in Chicago’s Outlines and Lavender Magazine.

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ADDITIONAL INFO:
When it comes to gay parenting, the sexual orientation of their children is a politically charged issue. It is explored in depth in Chapter Seven, “Second Generation” in Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is.

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